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The holidays are supposed to be a joyful time surrounded by loved ones. However, for many, it can be anxiety-provoking because of toxic relatives. Of course, you could just skip the occasion. Although this is an option, Dr. Rachel Glik, a licensed professional counselor in Clayton, cautions against it, because avoidance may exacerbate the situation. Instead, she offers some strategies to make this season a little easier.
First, plan ahead. Glik suggests:
- Decide the length of your visit. Decide beforehand how long the visit will last. Shorter ones are often easier to manage.
- Be realistic. People often have high expectations that the holidays will be different this year. This is often not the case. So accept that people will behave as they always do and keep your own expectations in check.
- Set your limits. Decide ahead of time which toxic behaviors you will address and which ones you will let slide. This doesn’t mean that you are condoning their actions, but not making everything a battle will make the family gatherings easier for you.
- Develop “internal boundaries.” This means developing strategies that allow you to let go of the hurt, so the “toxicity doesn’t penetrate.” For example, think of some positive affirmations for yourself (“I am good enough the way I am”) that you can use when interacting with the toxic person.
- Set ground rules. If you find yourself having conflicts with certain relatives, then reach out beforehand. Glik says sending an email before the holidays using the “yes, no, yes” method. Perhaps you and a family member often spar about politics. You can email with him or her beforehand, saying something along the lines of, “I love you, but whenever we get together, we tend to argue about politics. Maybe this topic should be off limits, because fighting occurs. I want a peaceful and enjoyable visit.”
- Practice setting boundaries. If you chose to set limits with family during the holidays, Glik suggests, practice beforehand with people you trust like a spouse, friend, or therapist. Also, if you have issues with others in your life who are easier to communicate with, practice with them. This way you will have an easier time during the holidays.
Then, once the holiday family gathering arrives, Glik suggests:
- Limit time with toxic individuals. Glik advises not cutting the toxic people out of your life completely, because you will exchange one set of problems for another. Instead, keep the visit short. You don’t have to stay for the entire event.
- Have a friend on call. Have someone you can text to vent your frustrations or even invite someone with you to be a buffer. Often people act better around new people.
- Limit alcohol. Adding alcohol or drinking excessively may exacerbate your anxiety, leading you to react to others’ behaviors in a regrettable manner.
- Maintain emotional distance. Sometimes, no matter how many times you address a family member’s behavior, they refuse to hear you. Glik explains, “If the person has an undiagnosed personality disorder like narcissism or borderline, they may be incapable of understanding how hurtful and damaging their behavior is.” Learn to recognize that their behavior is a reflection of themselves; and not you. And, keep the relationship superficial by not sharing much with them. This limits how their behavior affects you.
- Finally, set boundaries. Glik advises to avoid addressing the toxic behaviors directly during the holidays, because it is a busy and often stressful time for everyone. Instead, she suggests the following tactics and examples:
- Deflect. If a person is being too inquisitive, Glik suggests changing the subject. For example, ask about what is going on with another relative or say something like, “I’m adding more positivity in my life, so instead why don’t we talk about something you’re excited about?”
- The “yes, no, yes” method. Like the above example with the relative you argue with about politics, this method refers to saying something positive, then setting the boundary, and finally saying another positive thing.
- Be firm and consistent. If someone brings up a topic you don’t want to discuss, Glik says respond first with, “I love you, but x-topic is off-limits.” If they continue, then remind them that the topic isn’t one you wish to discuss. And, if they still continue, simply leave the room, perhaps reminding the person that you love them, but still don’t wish to discuss said topic.
- Use “I language.” Phrases like “you do this,” come across as criticism. Instead, say statements like, “I have enough self-love and self-respect that I don’t care who it is, it’s not OK for anyone to talk to me without kindness or respect.”
- Teach alternatives. Glik states, “Instead of getting angry when someone criticizes you, suggest alternatives for what you would like them to say that would sound better.” For instance, if someone is criticizing your parenting, say, “This is what I would like for you to say, ‘You believe in me as a parent and that you know parenting is really hard, and whatever you are doing, I know you are doing your best.’” Or, simply pose the question, “Can you say that differently?”
"These steps are very difficult to execute," Glik says, "but with practice, they can become easier over time.”
