I was taught the “Golden Rule” early on, as soon as I could understand words and concepts. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, the Golden Rule is this: Treat others the way you would want them to treat you. This is a great moral compass because it teaches us empathy; however, this doesn’t seem to work in marriages.
I have often heard one person trying to get their partner to understand what they need and how they feel by giving examples such as, “Say you were trying to tell me about your day and I just looked at the TV and didn’t pay close attention, wouldn’t that make you angry?” Their partner’s response is usually something like, “I can still listen to you when I have the TV on.” This is not what the other person wanted to hear. They wanted their spouse to say something like, “I understand why you’re angry, I would hate it if you did that to me, so I won’t do that to you anymore.” The fact is that we can’t expect our partners to want or need the same things we do, nor feel the same way when we are hurt. We have to communicate what we need in another way.
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Dr. Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages to help couples understand their partner’s needs and stop trying to use the Golden Rule. The “Five Love Languages” are physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and quality time. Quite often, we try to speak our language of love using the Golden Rule. If our partners don’t speak the same language, they may not feel loved by the way we are trying to show them love. All the languages are good, but one of them will make you feel more loved than the others. When we learn our partner’s love language, then we have to choose to meet their need so that they will feel loved by us. To find out what you and your partner’s love languages are, visit 5lovelanguages.com.
Christianne Judy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Gottman Therapist. She maintains a private practice in O’Fallon, Ill., and presents couples workshops in Missouri. To learn more about her, go to her website christiannejudy.com or stlouiscouplesworkshops.com.
