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Editor's note: St. Louis Magazine originally published this story in the wake of the school shooting that left 19 children and two adults dead at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, Texas. We are recirculating this article after an October school shooting at Central Visual and Performing Arts High School, in South St. Louis, left two dead. For everything we know so far about the shooting at CVPA, see our live updates story here.
Original story:
The tragic school shooting in Uvalde, Texas has affected all Americans. It feels senseless to adults, and kids have even less capacity to process such a terrifying event. Given their own grief, parents may struggle with what to tell their children. Gillian Mayersohn, PsyD, a pediatric psychologist at St. Louis Children’s Hospital, offers strategies for helping kids cope.
Children process things differently depending on their age. What are the best strategies for talking to kids at various stages? With preschoolers, provide very brief, simple information and focus on the broad feelings they may express. You can also share examples of school safety, like how teachers are there to help them. With kids in elementary and middle school, validating all of their emotions is the biggest thing. They may have questions, especially given that most of the Texas shooting victims were their age. Be direct and honest. Don’t say that a shooting is not possible. Instead, emphasize that the probability is low while highlighting all of the safe school days. For better or worse, most school-aged kids do active shooter drills. Focus on the safety procedures and reassure them that they are safe. Older adolescents may start asking more existential or systematic questions. This may be where you talk about advocacy work, local charities they can contribute to, or things they can do to help change systemic issues. Encourage them to call their local and federal government officials, and discuss potential advocacy work.
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Are there any other broad strategies that are applicable to children of all ages? Listen to what they tell you and try to figure out their feelings, knowledge, beliefs, and underlying fears or concerns. Encourage them to ask questions. When they do, answer directly. If you don’t have an answer, it’s OK to say so.
Are there any signs of trauma that parents should look for? Fear and anxiety are common. However, they may present a little differently depending on the child’s age. Note any changes in behavior like appetite, concentration, sleep, the amount of time they spend with friends, or their refusal to go to school. Physical complaints like headaches or stomach aches may occur. Typically, if symptoms like these persist for more than two weeks and impact the way your child functions, it may be time to reach out for help.
How can parents help kids manage stress related to school shootings? Be a positive model when it comes to expressing emotions. This shows children that it’s OK to talk about feelings. Encourage them to communicate with you or another supportive person anytime they have questions or feelings they want to share. Also, try to stick with the regular routine and engage in positive coping activities, like spending time with friends and family, and listening to music, for example.
These are stressful events for parents, too. What are some ways for adults to cope? Seek social support and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. It’s OK to feel distressed with all of these emotions. If you’re unaware of the safety procedures at your child’s school, you can reach out and ask. If you notice that your stress persists, inquire with your doctor about mental health services.
Are there other resources that parents should know about? The National Child Traumatic Stress Network has some great handouts that include more information about age-related reactions to traumatic events. The American Psychological Association recently posted some helpful articles and handouts. And Project Safety Net is St. Louis Children’s Hospital’s behavioral health helpline (314-454-8336).
