The days of Ward and June Cleaver? History. According to the most recent census, today less than a third of families consist of a husband and wife living together with their children under the age of 18.
A man walks in on his wife and his best friend. A woman discovers her husband’s partner at work is also his partner in life. Are these “take them for all they’re worth” divorce cases, or is it possible to maturely recognize that there’s no chance of reconciliation? The end doesn’t have to be a broken household that was torn apart in a messy divorce; a new beginning is possible in two brand-new households.
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How Does It Work?
Collaborative divorce requires both parties to sign a participation agreement; then, with the guidance of lawyers, mental-health professionals, and financial experts, couples agree to a process that involves full financial disclosure and an out-of-court resolution.
“You only work toward the best possible settlement,” says Gary Soule, a Clayton attorney and founding member of the Collaborative Family Law Association. Each party and each professional promises not only to not go to court, but also to not even threaten to go to court. Everyone has to be fully on board, and the only time the case goes to court is to get the final papers signed.
Attorney Alan Freed, also a founding member of the association, represented one client who worked out a collaborative divorce over the course of three years. But during the final steps, her then-husband was offered a job in another city.
“It was a situation where there was a pretty high level of conflict at the beginning,” Freed says. “Both parents learned through the process that there was a lot to be gained by cooperating with each other.” The family finalized the settlement for their new postdivorce life. They all moved out of state to accommodate the father’s new job, and they’re currently living in the same complex in separate units so they can continue coparenting.
What About the Kids?
The bare minimum custodial arrangement—dinners with the noncustodial parent on Wednesday nights and alternating custody every other weekend—has changed. Freed says in St. Louis County, judges “start with an attitude of assumption that both parents get an equal amount of time with each child.
“Custody is a word that puts people in the framework of a battle, because it’s a word that denotes ownership and control—and we don’t own or control our children,” he continues. In a collaborative divorce, parents are required to agree upon and submit a parenting plan for approval. Through the mediation that is required in a collaborative divorce, one parent may even end up with a custodial arrangement that means spending more time with the child than he or she ever did during the marriage (e.g., school pickups and meals together to accommodate the other parent’s work demands).
Divorce laws in many states, including Missouri, require considering a child’s need to maintain a continuing and meaningful relationship with both parents. Soule and Freed note that judges are influenced by the circumstances of the divorce only in the case of domestic violence. But even then, the offending parent normally still gets supervised visits, or visits restricted to public places.
All of that said, “that piece of paper is only as good as the people that piece of paper applies to,” says Soule. “Court orders rely on voluntary self-enforcement.”
The Disadvantages
The collaborative process can be considerably more expensive than the traditional route because of the additional professionals who take part in the process. Some argue that divorce mediation is a better alternative to the traditional route. When divorce attorney Cynthia Fox went through a contentious divorce and custody battle herself, she changed her approach to the law, using mediation as “the constructive divorce.”
“It’s the most humane resource for your pocketbook and for your psyche,” says Fox. “Don’t accept that in every case you have to hire a mental-health expert and financial person.” In divorce mediation, both parties meet with the same divorce lawyer or social worker. Either party can use an additional attorney if desired, whereas in the collaborative process, each party has his or her own lawyer from the start. If the mediation fails, the case continues through the traditional approach with new representation. But in the collaborative process, if a resolution is not reached, the case must be reopened.
What Are the Odds?
According to census data and Americans for Divorce Reform, between 40 and 60 percent of marriages end in divorce. “People want to spend more and more time rehashing the past: ‘He did that to me.’ ‘She did that to me,’” Soule says.
“Do you want to spend your time and energy and efforts living in the past as part of your divorce or living in the present and creating a new future?”
Where to Turn
From attorneys to counselors, getting divorced requires experts.
THE ATTORNEYS
Bauer Soule Garnholz Albin
7710 Carondelet, Ste. 405, 314-721-8844, stl-lawmatters.com
Cynthia Fox, Fox Family Lawyers
7751 Carondelet, Ste. 700, 314-727-4880, foxfamilylawyers.com
Paule, Camazine & Blumenthal
165 N. Meramec, Ste. 110, 314-727-2266, pcblawfirm.com
THE THERAPISTS
Margaret Rissman
2025 S. Brentwood, 314-962-0008
Nancy Williger
225 S. Meramec, Ste. 432T, 314-993-4001, nancywilliger.com
THE ASSOCIATIONS
Collaborative Family Law Association
Kids In The Middle
2650 S. Hanley, Ste. 150, 314-909-9922, kidsinthemiddle.org
Missouri Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
573-634-8760, moamft.org
