Vicious Delicious: Food Network Humor Flays the Celebrity Chef

“’Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives’ has the dubious distinction of being one of the only shows I absolutely, unequivocally cannot force myself to watch,” writes Jillian Madison. “Fieri is an obnoxious bearded troll of a man, and the sound of him moaning while he’s shoving unidentifiable haunches of meat into his mouth makes me die inside.”

I think it’s fair to say the lady does not mince words. You’ll find this caustic commentary and a lot more of the same at Madison’s popular web site, Food Network Humor.

Her parody and criticism of the Food Network (www.foodnetwork.com) and its many shows and celeb-chefs ranges from mild tweaking to gleeful evisceration, and often, FNH hits the nail right on the head.

Check out the top “Foodgasm Faces,” a fake application for employment at the Food Network, and the classic “If Everyone Had Anne Burrell’s Hair.”    

You can accuse Madison of being snarky, but she’s a canny observer of the many missteps the Food Network and its stars have made, from Paula Deen’s lummox offspring being given their own spinoff cooking show, to Rachel Ray’s limited vocabulary, right down to Giada De Laurentiis’ annoying habit of over-enunciating Italian words in a belabored attempt to continually remind us that authentic ethnic blood runs through the veins of the bourgeois heiress.

Since January of ’09, Madison has been providing succor to those of us who see the potential of the Food Network, and despair of its boring and phony personalities, the sameness of the content, and the sheer schmuckitude of Guy Fieri.

Relish caught up with her last week:

How did you get the idea to create your site?

I used to watch the Food Network 24/7. It would be background noise on, whether I was working or cooking. It used to be that way for a lot of people. But then you start to notice these trends, and these catch phrases that chefs keep repeating, and the silliness of it all, and that’s what inspired me to start the site. Now it [the Food Network] makes me cringe. Now I can hardly watch it anymore. It’s all about entertainment and personality, and selling their products. It’s not about the food anymore. People are upset with the direction they’re talking the network. And the personalities they’re picking aren’t resonating with the viewers, the ratings are way down. And that’s why Food Network Humor has become so popular.

Food Network Humor is just one in a large family of sites.

I run 22 sites in the Pophangover network. I’m the founder of Damn You Autocorrect, which exploded, and I got a book out of it that came out in May from Hyperion. I quit my job as a web designer and have been doing this ever since.

I’d like to throw out some names of Food Network personalities, and you tell me your thoughts:

Guy Fieri–

It’s hard to pick one thing, it’s pretty much the whole package, the whole bad-boy persona is phony. His flip flops with a skull on them, the sunglasses on the back of his head, his 45 year-old “punks” that hang around with him. The way he changed his name from Ferry to Fieri and started pronouncing it like a blue-blooded Italian. He’s just gross. On his show he’s cramming greasy food into his mouth, and talking with his mouth open. The only word to describe it is “douche.” And now he’s a “culinary rock star.” It is getting out of hand. It’s ridiculous. You’re not a rock star. You should not be touring the country on a tour bus with flames painted on the side, you’re a mediocre cook.

Bobby Flay–

From what I’ve heard he’s a nice guy, but is sure doesn’t show on TV. He’s about as egotistical as they come, and he’s boring and dull. I think they’re pulling back his role on the network.

Sandra Lee–

What about Sandra Lee? (Laughs) I watch her just for the sheer entertainment value, those jaw-dropping moments — what is this woman going to do next? Does she ever film an episode sober? And those “tablescapes”!!?? More and more people are so fed up with her shtik. She used to be about 30 percent homemade and 70 percent store-bought. Now she’s trying to go for 70 percent homemade and 30 percent store-bought, she’s switching that. Some of the most horrific things I’ve ever made in my life, from a culinary perspective, have been Sandra Lee recipes. You can’t take anything she does seriously at all. I just think she’s dumb.

Rachel Ray–

Wow. You know when I first started the site she was one of personalities I hated the “absi-most.” Her phony giggles, and her “EVOO,” “Yum-o!”, “put the kids in the pot,” “my little garbage bowl.” I felt like she’s made this progression. She calmed down a lot. She’s more watchable today than she first was when she started. There used to be an “I Hate Rachel Ray” site and she was able to read that and laugh at herself. Now I’m not her biggest fan, her food doesn’t impress me, but I don’t find her as annoying as I once did. But I think she’s just phoning it in now. There are all these awkward silences that never used to be there before.

Tyler Florence–

If the number-one annoying personality is Guy Fieri, the number-two is Tyler Florence. Absolutely cannot stand the guy. I think he’s past his prime. I think he’s got probably the biggest ego in food, I can safely say. Ten, fifteen years ago, he was attractive, and girls threw themselves at his feet, and that made his head big, but the man has not aged well. It happens to us all. But he still has big-head syndrome. He still thinks he’s 20 years old and god’s gift to food. Sadly, he’s not anymore, but he retains that ego. He thinks he’s the most handsome man that has ever cooked on a gas stove.

Melissa d’Arabian–

Of all the people on Food Network Humor, she’s probably, according to my reader feedback, one of the very least liked of them all. She’s got that “mom-in-the-kitchen, just-raising-my-kids” thing, and she doesn’t come across as an authority on anything whatsoever. And she’s just annoying. You might not be able to put your finger on exactly why, but I think she falls in that category.

Robert Irvine (of “Dinner Impossible”)–

Oh, that douchebag who said he cooked for the queen and all those other lies? All is forgiven, I guess. The public has a very short memory. Some people haven’t forgotten about it. Food Network Humor readers haven’t forgotten about it.

What did you think of the whole Ina Garten / Make-a-Wish flap?

The blowback has been very strong and negative for her. Whether it was her or her handlers, they didn’t play that well. All that matters is what the public thinks about you. People like Giada [De Laurentiis] are aware of that, that’s why Giada nods her round “lollipop head” and plays the game. People wise enough will point that out as phoniness. The funny thing about Ina Garten is that a bunch of the other chefs did a thing with a Make-a-Wish kid right after that. Anne Burrell and Tyler Florence both did it. Oh my god, it’s all just a big game.

I think with so many of the Food Network stars appearing on so many episodes of their shows, we do get a feel for their personalities, and I find a number of them annoying, too.

People don’t have a tolerance for phoniness, and so many of the Food Network personalities come across as phonies. Sure, they’re gonna have their fans, but more and more people are catching on to their game — that these people are just here to make a buck.

What kind of feedback have you received from the Food Network stars?

I’ve actually become friends with some of the chefs. Alton Brown is one of our biggest supporters. He’s donated to the site five or six times. Anne Burrell has become one of my drinking buddies. We meet up for a couple beers every once in a while. She’s hilarious. And I did get some presents from Paula Deen. She sent me a pair of her pink eyeglasses and a cookbook.

Could you do what you do with PBS cooking shows? With, for instance, Julia Child, Jacques Pepin, Joan Nathan, “America’s Test Kitchen,” Lidia Bastianich, et cetera?

Yes, but I think they have much less viewership. And would people want to read it? I think people would probably not take as well to that. I’m poking fun at clowns that are easy to dislike. I don’t know if it would be as well received if you started poking fun at Julia Child. I don’t think it would translate.

How do typically get ideas for your posts?

It was 100 percent from watching the Food Network when I first started. Nowadays it’s probably 40 percent material that I come up with, 60 percent material that people send to me, because I can’t stand watching it. It’s a chore to watch those new episodes on the weekends. On Sunday night I have to watch them. It feels like a job. But with my readers submitting material to me, it expands the reach of the blog, which is great.

What do you say when people call the site mean-spirited, or accuse you of shooting fish in a barrel?

When I first started this web site I expected the hate mail to come pouring in. “How can you be so mean to Ina Garten and Bobby Flay?” It’s been completely the opposite. I think maybe I’ve gotten one negative email from someone in the two years and six months it’s been around. If people think negative things about the site, they sure aren’t telling me about it. I can say what so many other people are thinking without fear of retribution, and people have come to expect it. I don’t answer to anyone. It lends me an honesty that I think people respect. I don’t have to hold back.