I’m not one who looks at guys’ butts or any individual body part for that matter. I figure a guy is hot or not. And not only do I not look, I don’t even notice much of anything unless something is really begging for my attention. Man boobs are one. Can I say that? The line of sweat some guys get right on the hill of their beer belly when the weather is too balmy for comfort. And overly decorated back pockets on the back of a man’s jeans.
Call me old school, but the golden arches of Levi’s are really the only stitching I want to see on a man. Vintage Lee? Maybe. Wrangler? Pushing it. Maverick? Now you’re in seriosuly charcoal territory. Pocket flaps? A serious faux pas in the otherwise timeless style men get to enjoy. Women’s stuff changes all the time, men’s clothing is not supposed to be subject to trendy whims. Men are not supposed to wear True Religion jeans. It’s just wrong.
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Fancy flaps and loopy embroidery is best for a small woman’s tush. Guys have notoriosly flat butts, so even though fashion stylists tell you that flaps add a little, uhhh, girth where there previously was none is a rule meant for the girls among us. Do not try to enhance parts of your body with artifice, boys. It’s too fussy for a guy anyway. The joy of being a man is that you don’t have to work all that smoke and mirror nonsense—why can’t you just enjoy the minimalism of your gender?
Single women are always looking for criteria by which to judge a future boyfriend or husband: Does he have more than one pillow on his bachelor bed? How does he treat his own mother? Does he like to cook for himself? Does he have a pet that wasn’t abandoned by a former girlfriend? I always looked for those things in a guy (not that I didn’t ignore them anyway when desperate enough). What does a butt full of colored stitching, buttons, and flaps say to you about a future beau? It says hairpiece. It says dentures. It says the best meal out you’re going to get in 20 years is the buffet at Golden Corral.
Decorated jeans are the prostitute of the male fashion world. As long as women will date guys who wear them, guys will wear them. I’m not suggesting you boycott a guy strictly based on his choice of denim, but don’t poo poo my sage advice either. If you don’t mind being married to a man that keeps a mint-flavored toothpick in his mouth long after he has cleaned his teeth after dinner (and this alone is deterrent enough), go ahead and say yes when that flapped guy asks you out. He might end up being the love of your life.
Or he may be as bad as his jeans look. This is a leap of faith I’m just not brave enough to make. Sorry.
Commentary by Madeline Meyerowitz
