This year, we took a break from our annual Top Singles contest to compile a package of inside info on the dating scene. From a dating coach to statisticians, happily married couples to local singles themselves—and two romance writers besides—we checked in with a variety of experts to bring you advice for making the most of the single life in St. Louis. —M.S.
Dating for a Cause
St. Louisans are wildly philanthropic: In terms of charitable giving, the city ranks 17th out of 366 cities nationwide, with contributions last year totaling $1.4 billion, according to The Chronicle of Philanthropy. And so it is that our social calendars are chockablock full of evenings out in black tie or a little black dress—occasions that have been known to spark a romantic match.
Rachel Lockhart-Korris had been alerted by a good friend on the Young Zoo Friends board that another member, Jermal Seward, had some serious boyfriend potential—and that he was attending the 2009 Zootini. He came late; Lockhart-Korris wasn’t feeling well and considered leaving before Seward arrived. “Then I thought, ‘Nope, I’m going to stick around, because this guy might really just be the one,” she says. “We met, we were introduced, and we hit it off right then and there. Both of us kind of looked at each other, something just really clicked, and I think we realized we were both kind of person the other was looking for.”
They married in October 2011. In lieu of party favors, the couple donated money for a brick at the Saint Louis Zoo’s south arrival pavilion. Along with their names, the inscription thanks the zoo for introducing them to each other.
“Community involvement is a common interest of ours,” Rachel says. “We have a friendly competition to see who is on more committees, on more boards, and who’s more involved. It was definitely something that attracted each of us to the other, that we really cared about St. Louis and we are trying to make a difference.”
Sarah Kramer (a 2006 SLM Top Single) first laid eyes on Jassen Johnson in the spring of 2007 at A Tasteful Affair for Food Outreach. But the connection ended there. He was involved with someone else; she was moving to Rhode Island. But that first sighting gave her pause. By autumn, she had returned—and ran into the “very good-looking” Johnson at a bar.
“Because I had seen Jassen at the Food Outreach event, I had the courage to pursue him at the bar,” Kramer says. “So I did. I put my name and number in his phone. Funny enough, he texted me a few weeks later, and our first date was to a Food Outreach fundraiser at Lucas School House later that month. And then I was smitten—it came full circle with Food Outreach in the mix!” They married in May 2009.
It took a charity event for Ann Davidson and Mike DeBerge to see what had been brewing for years. He was president of the Young Friends Board of Friends of Kids With Cancer; she was on the board of Launch St. Louis, a nonprofit that helps charity boards start young friends groups. Last December, two years after they began working together, DeBerge’s group held a holiday party and toy drive dubbed Toys and Toddies.
“We chatted for a quite a while,” Davidson says. “The next day, he asked a mutual friend for my phone number. We started dating shortly thereafter.” The couple—together ever since—just relocated to Chicago.
And some matches are made while doing good works under faraway skies. In 1998, Chris Foley was serving in the Peace Corps in Paraguay. After taking pictures of graduation at the village school, he had to trek to Asuncion, the capital, to get the film developed. He hitched a ride with the Peace Corps volunteer coordinator, who mentioned that he’d given tickets for the ballet to his roommate, Nickie.
“At the last minute, her friend had to cancel,” Foley says. “I happened to be the only other person at the office that evening, and initially declined, saying that I was filthy from the trip, and didn’t have any clean clothes appropriate for the ballet. My coordinator threw me a clean collared shirt out of his travel bag, a towel, and a bar of soap and told me to use the shower that was in the office. So I went. I didn’t have time to get all nervous about going to the ballet with a beautiful girl that I had just met.”
They married in 2001. Today, Foley is a foreign service officer with the U.S. Agency for International Development, and Nickie works as an elementary-school teacher. With their daughter, Fiona, 8, and son, Teague, 6, in tow, they recently moved to Lusaka, Zambia, where they’ll be living for the next four years. —C.M.
Putting Yourself Out There
You know the saying: “You have to put yourself out there.” But where, exactly? We compiled places to find like-minded individuals, no matter your passion. —R.E. & N.M.
Literati: Engage in passionate discussion at reading groups through Left Bank Books (left-bank.com) or the St. Louis Public Library (www.slpl.org)—or writing groups and events offered by the St. Louis Writer’s Guild (stlwritersguild.org).
Audiophiles: Volunteer with Jazz St. Louis (jazzstl.org), catch a show at Plush (plushstl.com), or take a small-group music class at the Folk School of St. Louis (folkschoolstl.org). And in warmer weather, the Missouri Botanical Garden’s Whitaker Music Festival (mobot.org) can make a sweet meet-cute.
Theater Connoisseurs: Usher or act with small theater groups like St. Louis Actors’ Studio (stlas.org) or First Run Theatre (firstruntheatre.com), some of which hold open auditions. Or try an open mic at The Venice Café (thevenicecafe.com).
Oenophiles (or Would-Be Ones): Attend wine classes at shops like The Wine Merchant (winemerchantltd.com) or The Vino Gallery (thevinogallery.com). Try tastings at Robust (robustwinebar.com), Grapevine Wines (grapevinewinesandspirits.com), Wines of Wildwood (winesofwildwood.com), Saint Louis Cellars (saintlouiscellars.com), or Sasha’s Wine Bar (sashaswinebar.com).
Politically Minded: Check out a Young Friends of St. Louis Public Radio (stlpublicradio.org) event. The more partisan might try Drinking Liberally (livingliberally.org/drinking/chapters/MO), an After Party with the St. Louis Tea Party Coalition (stlouisteaparty.com), or the monthly St. Louis Republican Party Meetup group (meetup.com/republican-109).
Outdoor Adventurers: Those with an itch for adventure and a love of the outdoors can meet someone special through groups like Events & Adventures (eventsandadventures.com). The St. Louis chapter does everything from camping and boating on the Lake of the Ozarks to cruising down the Mississippi River.
Athletes: If you’re the athletic type (or looking for someone who is), there’s a team sport for you. Kickball leagues are huge: Try the co-ed Kickball STL (kickballstl.net), the suggestive BigBalls Kickball League (leaguelineup.com/stlbigballs), or the LGBT-friendly Team Saint Louis Rainbow Kickball League (teamsaintlouis.org). For golfers, Fore!Singles (foresingles.org) offers tournaments, socials, and weekly 9-hole events—and a10-week winter bowling league. Prefer indoor sports? Try St. Louis Skee Ball (stlskeeball.com) or darts at Blueberry Hill (blueberryhill.com/darts).
Other: Don’t see your particular predilection? There are Meetup groups (meetup.com) for every interest, from St. Louis Spiritual Singles (meetup.com/stlouisspiritualsingles) to Singles Cinema (meetup.com/SINGLES-CINEMA). Local alumni groups also host events on a regular basis—or if you’re from out of town, look into Metropolis St. Louis (mstl.org). (Pick up the latest issue of St. Louis Family to read about a couple who met through the group.)
Game Changers
You’re over 50, and you haven’t played the dating game for three decades. The board sure looks different, too. Online dating services fill every possible niche, from VeggieFishing.com to FarmersOnly.com to Cupidtino (cupidtino.com), an Apple-inspired dating site. Not to mention virtual dating on OmniDate (omnidate.com), or the new apps that tell you about the eligible someone who’s literally right around the corner. Your mother’s rules might need refreshing. —J.C.
1. “If they’re looking that hard, they’re desperate.” False. Studies have shown that as a segment of the population, Internet daters are more likely to have high self-esteem and low social anxiety. They’re just busy.
2. “Meet someone through friends or at church.” Not necessarily. A Stanford University study found that of straight couples who’d met between 2007 and 2009, 21 percent had met online.
3. “Don’t seem too eager.” False. We’re living in the age of instant response. And the sooner you reply or meet, the sooner you know.
4. “You’re too picky.” Possibly, if your list of criteria is so long and so rigid, you’ve turned online dating into catalog shopping. But if you have a dealbreaker (age, religion), use it to narrow your search.
5. “Don’t be too chatty.” Still true. Experts warn of oversharing in the bio, of being too negative, of giving TMI.
6. “Be careful.” More true than ever. Look into employment and marital status; check Missouri Case.net (www.courts.mo.gov/casenet) for lawsuits or a criminal record. Meet in public, and tell a friend where you’ll be. As for mobile-dating apps, they’re an invitation to those on the prowl. Try LikeBright (likebright.com), which only shows you the whereabouts of friends of your Facebook friends. (And don’t forget how few of those friends your friend may actually know.)
7. “Don’t date married men (or women).” True. If someone’s reluctant to give you a phone number or address, the photo’s blurry, personal info is scarce, you’re not meeting family and friends, and the calls come oddly spaced or only at set times…beware.
8. “Keep busy; don’t obsess.” True. If you find yourself compulsively checking your email, comparing virtual suitors like they’re horses at the Derby, keeping your profile active (“Just in case”) while dating…you’ve become a gamer.
9. “Be animated.” True. More emotional responses, with words like “excited” and “wonderful,” make a better impression on both men and women.
10. “Smile.” Not necessarily. OkCupid’s research group found the best photo responses are for women who look straight at the camera with a flirty smile—smiling and looking elsewhere doesn’t work. For men, it’s most effective to look away from the camera and not smile.
11. “There are always more fish in the sea.” True. There’s even Plentyoffish (pof.com).
Sources: CyberPsychology & Behavior, August 2009; OkTrends, 2010; Computers in Human Behavior, September 2008; “How Couples Meet and Stay Together,” Stanford University, 2010
By Jeannette Cooperman, Rosalind Early, Byron Kerman, Christy Marshall, Nancy McMullen, Stefene Russell, and Margaret Schneider. Edited by Margaret Schneider.
