This story is part of SLM‘s January 2021 cover feature, with tips on riding out the rest of the pandemic. Click here for more stories from the feature.
The “new normal” of the pandemic has had a serious impact on…basically everything. In anticipation of a safe and effective vaccine, I’ve given a bit of thought to how things are going to change once we return to the old normal—or, as I prefer to call it, Normal Classic.
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How to dress: Many of us have gotten used to working from home, but it’s almost inevitable that some business is going to have to return to being conducted in person, and that means the trouser industry should prepare for a boom in sales. Who among us has not (1) eschewed businesslike bottoms in the talking head world of Zoom meetings or (2) ticked up a waist size or two as a result of all the quarantine baking? Enterprising retailers will want to ready their “Back to Pants” campaigns sooner rather than later. And if I could give “pantufacturers” one word of advice, it would be this: elastics. When it comes to the post-pandemic wardrobe, expandable is the new black.
How to work: Those returning to jobs outside the home should immediately resume daily showering and other basic hygiene activities. Remember that the other people in your workplace are colleagues deserving of courtesy and respect, so resist the urge to shout, “Is someone gonna get that?” every time a phone rings. And don’t forget to close the bathroom door if it isn’t self-closing. Why aren’t you doing that at home, anyway? Gross.
How to dine: We’ll start eating in restaurants again—another activity requiring pants or the functional equivalent thereof—and that means we’ll need to remember how those things work. Don’t forget to park your car rather than pull up to the curb. The food will come to you, but only after you enter the establishment, have a seat, and order it from another human being. Your food will likely arrive on a plate. If you’ll recall, this is like a round, flat box that has no lid. The food has traveled a significantly shorter distance than the stuff previously dropped on your doorstep, so it will still be hot. Govern yourself accordingly. And do continue to tip generously as you currently are—you are, right?
Yale Hollander is a stand-up comedian and producer. During the pandemic, you can catch his Coffee Break Comedy Showcase at 8 p.m. on the second and fourth Wednesdays of the month at facebook.com/Coffee BreakSTL.
