Understand Yourself and Your Partner

Our past experiences say a lot about who we are, so it’s only logical that they would affect our relationships today. The positive experiences build us up, helping us to maintain healthy ties to friends and family members. But the negative ones often have an adverse effect on how we view the world around us. 

Do you know what those experiences are for you? They could be the result of a harmful past relationship, or moments of humiliation, abandonment, or trauma that you’ve suffered throughout the course of your life.

While we’ve all endured psychological injuries, some are more lasting than others. That’s why it’s important to be able to recognize them and to know what your partner’s are as well. One way to do that is by asking the right questions: “What is your worst childhood experience?” “How do you think that experience has affected you today?”

Once you’ve gained an intimate understanding of your spouse, your marriage will thank you for it. When you know that a parent routinely criticized your husband or wife, for example, then you might work harder to be more sensitive to their needs.

Likewise, it’s important to share your stories with your significant other. By allowing your partner to know who you really are, emotional connection and intimacy will follow. The most common reason I see couples in therapy is that they don’t feel emotionally connected. We’re all imperfect, so knowing and understanding those imperfections in ourselves–and our spouse–is critical to feeling connected to them.

Christianne Judy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in couples therapy. She maintains a private practice in O’Fallon, IL with nine other practitioners at Counseling Associates of Southern Illinois. Judy is a Certified Gottman Therapist and a graduate of the Washington University George Warren Brown School of Social Work.

Image courtesy OnlineForLove.com.