Are there times when an argument with your spouse becomes a bit too heated? If so, it means emotions are running high and the brain won’t function the way it needs to in that moment.
John Gottman has done extensive research on how the brain functions during conflict. As a result of his research, we know there will be times when our physiology will get too high to continue to think in a rational manner. Our heart rates will rise above 100 beats per minute, the oxygen level in our blood decreases, and the frontal lobe area of the brain receives less blood flow. In short, our thinking and our behavior turns impulsive and primitive.
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When these moments occur, it’s important to communicate to your spouse the need to take a break. When we feel overwhelmed, or flooded with emotion, we must learn to communicate that so the conversation can ultimately be constructive. There are many ways to signal the need for a break. It is important your partner know what the sign is or the words are so that they understand what is about to happen. We call this having a “break ritual.” One example may be the “time out” sign or saying, “I’m really having a hard time hearing you right now. I need a break. We can start again in 45 minutes.” Whoever asks for the break needs to be the one to return in the time frame requested to restart the conversation.
Talk to your spouse about developing a break ritual before you are in the middle of an argument. You can start by saying something like, “There are times when we are in an argument and I get so angry. I know we’re headed in a negative direction but I can’t stop. Could we come up with a way to communicate to each other when either of us is too upset to continue?”
Conflict is good, but we have to learn to have it in a way that is constructive and not destructive.
