Do you ever walk through the door, and your partner doesn’t even look up from what they are doing to say hello? That is one of those moments that we don’t think too much about, but happily married couples have specific routines or rituals, called “Rituals of Connection” around these every day moments. For example, each time they greet each other, they do the same thing. They both know that the person coming in the door will go find the other, and then they will hug and give each other a kiss and say hello (a ritual they came up with together).
In John Gottman’s research, he observed that happily married couples were the ones who had similar routines around certain daily moments in their marriages. They had rituals around how they greeted each other, their meal times, morning times, asking each other what their upcoming day looked like, after-dinner rituals, bedtimes, and, most importantly, sharing the details about their day with one another. These were moments that the couple could count on connecting with each other. When their lives intersected, they had meaningful interactions that helped them both feel connected.
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Our lives are so busy these days, but if you intentionally make rituals around daily moments, you will begin to feel more connected as a couple and feel that you are putting each other first. Some of these rituals take just a few more seconds, like kissing or hugging for a few seconds longer. The sharing of your day may take 20 or so minutes. Neil Jacobson found that a daily, 20-minute conversation of listening to outside stressors in your partner’s life has been proven to be the No. 1 factor for couples to maintain the benefits they received from marriage counseling two years after therapy ended. It is very important to feel that your partner is the one person in your life that is interested and listens to your daily struggles and will be on your side.
What rituals do you have in your marriage? Are there some that you would like to create? If so, talk to your partner about intentionally creating them. Your marriage will be better for it.
Christianne Judy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Gottman Therapist. She maintains a private practice in O’Fallon, Ill., and presents couples workshops in Missouri. To learn more about her, visit christiannejudy.com or stlouiscouplesworkshops.com.
