Q: I love children, but not so much in “nicer” restaurants. Is there a way to politely—and successfully—get a parent to intervene when Junior becomes fussy or unruly? —JRW, Tucson, AZ
A: At some point, children must be taught how to conduct themselves in a restaurant—upscale or otherwise—and most of us have, at one time, experienced the less savory notes of the training regimen. But kids will always be kids, and there’s only so much the diner can do in the midst of mayhem. Below are some things a manager can do, however, a distillation of things I’ve learned over the years:
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1. The Raised Eyebrow: Make eye contact with the parent and raise one eyebrow, perhaps both. Pair this with your best “Are you gonna do something, or not?” look.
2. The Craned Neck: Add this tactic to no. 1 above, should it fail. And move that neck around.
3. Hostess to the Rescue: This is the most effective method, providing the child is age-appropriate: Have on hand the Four C’s–crayons, a coloring book, crackers, and Cheerios. One is bound to draw some attention. If none are available, give her the pen in your pocket, grab one of the wait sheets, turn it over, hand both to the hostess and have her go ask junior to draw her a picture. (I’ve actually done this and it worked. Never saw the pen again, though.)
4. Hostess to the Rescue, Option 2: Even the kids like this one. If there are multiple hostesses, see if one will give junior a mini-tour of the place—visit the hostess stand, where the extra mints are kept, the vestibule, the outdoors… See where I’m going here? Most of the time the child will return to the table with stories about his new best friend.
5. Approach the Parent(s) Directly: The least desirable of the options. Just prepare for that “And exactly who the hell are you?” look, because it’s coming. Diners armed with only a “Can you zip the kid?” suggestion—and no authority—often fuel the fire. Then everyone at the table is screaming.
6. Manager to the Rescue: Sometimes there is no choice but to address the problem personally. dgo straight to the top, but don’t be fooled. I’ve found children react more positively to a female hostess than a male manager. If you are that manager, however, you should approach the table with the aforementioned Four C’s (and a little Xanax for mom and dad), and see “If there’s anything I can do to help.” Most of the time parents will get the message and either stuff junior’s puss with the free gluten or remove the offender from the table themselves.
True Story Sidebar: Years ago, when managing a “nice” restaurant In Columbia, Mo., after employing step no. 1 above, I approached the mother of a baby who was wailing like he was being tortured. When I expressed my concern, the mother looked up at me and said, incredulously, “Do you mean this little baby?” like nothing was amiss. The woman was offended that I had even approached the table, but after a brief discussion, picked up her still-crying child and, feeling insulted, left mid-meal. That was the first (and only) time I was universally applauded and attaboy-d by a restaurant full of people. Best part: On her way out the door, that woman gave me The Raised Eyebrow.
