Illustration by Jason Raish
It struck us as curious that both Alton Brown Live! (altonbrowntour.com) and Monster Jam (monsterjam.com) will be invading our burg on the same night, February 1. The aggressively nerdy Food Network personality’s “culinary variety show” and the joyously messy monster-truck competition will drop in at Fox Theatre and the Edward Jones Dome, respectively. Whither wilt thou go? Take our simple quiz to find out.
1. What are you wearing?
A. A bow tie and little else (2 points)
B. A casual three-piece suit and penny loafers (4 points)
C. A relaxed ensemble topped off with a Confederate-flag bandana (6 points)
D. Motor oil–stained overalls (8 points)
2. You have been diagnosed with:
A. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (2)
B. Gluttony (4)
C. Anger-management issues (6)
D. A need for speed (8)
3. Before reading this, you thought Monster Jam was:
A. A superior spread for crudités (2)
B. A Wolfman-meets-Frankenstein beast of some sort (4)
C. Something large, between my toes (6)
D. A way of life (8)
4. Which of the following best describes your personality?
A. You are a smartass (2)
B. You are a smarty-pants (4)
C. You eat Smarties candy (6)
D. You like to play with your Hot Wheels in the mud (8)
5. Grave Digger is:
A. A euphemism for a triple cheeseburger (2)
B. A euphemism for Paula Deen’s career (4)
C. A dude who digs graves (6)
D. An iconic monster truck (8)
6. With your mechanical abilities, you could build:
A. A barbecue pit (2)
B. The perfect spatula (4)
C. A carburetor (6)
D. A monster truck (8)
7. The latest book you read was:
A. The Joy of Cooking (2)
B. A “culinary mystery,” with recipes and intrigue (4)
C. An auto-repair manual (6)
D. A monster-truck repair manual (8)
8. Your favorite musical act is:
A. Alton Brown’s Edible Inevitable Trio (2)
B. Bruce Springsteen (4)
C. Lynyrd Skynyrd (6)
D. Motörhead (8)
9. If you had to be covered in a goopy substance, it would be:
A. Baked Alaska (2)
B. Baked beans (4)
C. Nickelodeon’s green slime (6)
D. Mud (8)
10. What’d you have for breakfast?
A. Salmon eggs Benedict (2)
B. Oatmeal (4)
C. Two hot dogs, microwaved (6)
D. Chewing tobacco (8)
Your score
20–30 points: Alton is your daddy.
30–50 points: One more cook won’t spoil the soup.
50–70 points: You might be a redneck.
70–80 points: Burn rubber to Monster Jam, bubba.
