Carmen Troesser
Theresa, James, Laura, Jeff, Luke, and Greg Fister.
Find sibling harmony.
There is strength in numbers, according to father of eight Jeff Fister, president of STL Programs and author of the book Counting Chickens: Tales of Raising 8 Kids (and 4 Hens) in the City of St. Louis. “In any big family, kids learn delayed gratification,” he says. “Sometimes, you have to wait your turn for things, even for your parents’ attention. It’s built into big families that everything doesn’t get taken care of immediately. We told our children, ‘Be a problem solver.’ We didn’t solve problems for the child; we helped them become independent.” The Fisters had a little covert help, too. “There’s a whole other order in big families. The big secret is this: Your kids will listen a lot more to older siblings,” Fister adds. “It’s a form of self-policing. My wife and I tell our kids that the best gift we’ve ever given them is siblings.”
Stay positive.
“Being a parent isn’t a set of flat or one-dimensional techniques,” says Suzanne Tucker, a mother of four. “It’s a process of discovery and self-understanding. I look at parenting as a triangle: who I am, who my child is, and what tools we share to work things out.
“Our job is not to ‘make’ our children but to see them,” she continues. “Limits and discipline are important and can be delivered free from shame, blame, and pain. Things like connection; rituals; using clear, firm, consistent words; and being playful are far more effective than punishment.”
Tucker teaches positive-parenting classes and runs the online community My Mommy Manual, writing with the nickname Zen Mommy. If she had a mantra for parents to repeat when interacting with their children, it would sound something like this: “I am not you. I guide, model, limit, and shape you with respect. I let go of shame, blame, pain, and guilt. I discipline with love, not punishment.”
Jennifer Silverberg
Cathy Jenkins with her husband, Jerome.
Be a parent, not a friend.
“Establish a chain of command,” says Cathy Jenkins, a mother of three and co-owner of Cathy’s Kitchen and J&C BBQ and Blues in Ferguson, which she runs with her husband, Jerome. “I love my children dearly; we laugh, we talk, we have a good time. But our house is not a democracy. Our kids don’t know what their daddy and I know. We think it’s an epic fail to be your child’s friend—they have enough friends. My job is to parent.”
Use your senses.
Last year, St. Louis mom Rachel Swiston visited The Wilson School to hear from Gail Reichlin, a 46-year veteran preschool teacher, parent educator, the founding executive director of The Parents Resource Network in Chicago, and the author of The Pocket Parent: Positive Discipline Strategies for Parents and Teachers of 2- to 6-Year-Olds. She took away two major points that Swiston uses with her girls.
First, instead of sending your child to the corner, consider a “hug hold.” Reichlin believes isolating children can create resentment, rather than reflection. She suggests hugging the child and calmly saying, “Time out for hitting.” Then, after the child has a moment to stop and think, say, “Time out is over” and revisit the situation at a family meeting later.
Second, Reichlin recommends the “three-senses approach” to discipline. Visual: make eye contact. Touch: place a hand on the child’s shoulder. Sound: say very few words. For example, a child won’t put on shoes when it is time to leave the house. Stand in front of the child, look into his eyes, and put your hand on his shoulder. With an authoritative voice say, “Now” or “Shoes on now.” Run your hand down the child’s arm, take his hand, and lead him to his shoes. Use this method in place of yelling from another room, a move Reichlin calls the “dance of noncompliance.”
Show you care.
DJ Wilson, father to eight kids (three biological and five adopted), journalist, and communications coordinator for East-West Gateway Council of Governments, shares his top three tips:
“You don’t spoil your baby by holding him too much. Do it while you can.”
“When in doubt, go with your gut, give your kid a hug, and say, ‘No matter what, I love you.’ They won’t get that from too many people. It’s a good feeling to have, even if it’s only a memory.”
“I credit Calvin Trillin, a great American writer, with this observation: Your kids don’t listen when you talk to them; they listen when you talk to someone else. Your behavior in front of them is much more important than your speechifying.”
Follow your heart.
Finding an alternative to the traditional time out was also essential for Tracy Stamper and Thomas Barkman. For their adopted son, Max, “time out became a time of terror.”
Then they read the work of Heather T. Forbes and the Beyond Consequences Institute. Forbes urged “a paradigm shift from fear to love.” In other words, parents should follow their hearts.
“So much of conventional parenting wisdom simply didn’t work with Max," says Stamper. "He had already mastered independence at the orphanage; we needed to teach him that dependence on parents is a place of growth and safety.”
Carmen Troesser
Max and Thomas Barkman and Tracy Stamper.
Lead by example.
When Kathy Huntebrinker was pregnant with her first child, she and her husband, Mark, quickly decided to use cloth diapers.
“We are committed to the environment," she says. “When we found out that disposable diapers are the third largest consumer item in landfills, we opted to cloth diaper our daughter, Caitlyn.”
They decided to hire Baby Care Diaper Service—and when the company came up for sale in 2006, the same year Caitlyn was born, they bought it. A decade later, they still own and operate the company. (The Huntebrinkers also later had two more children, who helped test their products.)
Their commitment to the environment goes beyond diapers, though. They recycle, shop at thrift and resale stores, and wear hand-me-downs. “When the older kids start to outgrow something, they tell us it’s time to pass it on,” says Kathy. “We teach by example.”
Carmen Troesser
Ryan, Mark, Norah, Caitlyn, and Kathy Huntebrinker.
Keep your priorities straight.
Kevin A. Roberts
Josh Galliano.
Some people were surprised last year when acclaimed chef Josh Galliano, a James Beard Award nominee, announced that he would be leaving the around-the-clock demands of the restaurant business to work and teach at Companion Bakery.
“It was a tough choice, but it wasn’t all about me,” he says. “My wife and kids needed me.” So he and his wife, Audra, talked it over and made the decision together.
Yet Galliano hasn’t completely left the food business. “My change wasn’t a complete 180,” he says. “I was surprised by how quickly the kids adapted. I have time for hobbies and activities, like going out into the woods with them. I can pay attention now and really see them grow.”
His advice to other parents: “We need to put our priorities straight in life with our kids,” he says. “We get pushed by upward mobility in our careers. Sometimes, as parents, our kids’ needs come first, and we have to let go. Work was at the forefront for me. I reestablished what was important in life: my family.”
