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Has anything ever caused you to walk out of a restaurant without paying? —Mike E., St. Louis
Have I walked out of a restaurant? Yes. Have I walked out without paying for what I’d already consumed? I can't think of one time.
This question was prompted by a recent article about a dining customer who walked out of a restaurant after waiting more than an hour for his food and asked readers what they would have done in a similar situation. My tolerance would have been 45 minutes (after the order is placed, not after being seated), enough to make up for any missed order or dropped plate. Like the customer in question, I would have left money for what I’d consumed (one reason to always have some cash on hand), but I would have told someone—anyone (ideally a manager)—what I was doing and why.
There are other reasons that dining customers (including myself) have made a quick exit, listed in approximate order of egregiousness:
Rodents & Roaches: Either of these are grounds for a sprint to the door or at least a frantic wave and a quick, “Check, please!” The presence of either usually connotes a dirty, unhealthy environment, though there are mitigating circumstances, such as when a common wall neighbor’s recent extermination, in effect, scatters the problem. Or when furry critters hitch a ride into a restaurant kitchen in a cardboard box or crate. (A rodent sighting is no less embarrassing for a restaurant manager, as this personal anecdote indicates, when “the George-and-mouse game went on for a virtual eternity.”)
Improper Hygiene: Staffers (especially kitchen workers) who ignore the omnipresent “employees must wash hands before returning to work” signs might as well use their dirty hands to open the front door for the guest who witnessed the infraction, because that’s where they could be heading. (And who can forget Jerry Seinfeld’s reaction at the table after he observed that “Poppie’s a little sloppy”?)
Excessive Ambient Noise: We have no problem with restaurateurs who insist on a lively atmosphere, but when the vibe-o-meter reaches “cacophonous din,” it’s time to reevaluate. At a Mexican restaurant’s front desk, the background noise was so loud recently that the hostess indicated the wait time by holding up one finger and mouthing “one hour.” Since we’d misplaced our Advil, we passed.
Bad Odors/Ventilation: Some would object to the strong odor of garlic in some Italian restaurants, but everyone gags when there’s a sewer/sewage smell. Oh, and stay away from restaurants (seafood or otherwise) where you smell your fish entrée before it reaches the table. The presence of smoke in a restaurant indicates an improperly balanced exhaust system. Should you stay, the cost of a trip to the dry cleaners should be factored into the evening’s expenses.
Soiled Bathrooms: Others might place this one higher on their list. Still others place it at the top (incorrectly, in my opinion, as soiling can occur immediately after it was checked). A greasy, grimy, unstocked bathroom, however, is a problem.
Waiting Too Long for Service or Food: Perceptions of “how long is too long?” vary greatly from customer to customer, but in any case, the clock starts ticking right after the guests are seated, so a good server makes a point of at least acknowledging the table as quickly as possible. A long service lapse should be addressed immediately, or it will likely happen again. No initial service or extended waits for food or drink are, as indicated in the initial example, legit grounds for quickly settling up and moving along.
Observing Inappropriate Behavior: Another thing that makes a guest squirm is having to endure staffers sniping at one another, or worse, management chastising them on the floor. And since restaurant kitchens are packed with intensity and emotion, an occasional gros mot is bound to filter into the dining room, especially in an open kitchen, and cooks are cognizant of that, which is why most of the heavy-duty screaming and yelling seems to eminate from the "privacy" of a closed kitchen.
Dirty Tabletops: If you place your hand on the table and it sounds like Velcro when you pick it up, then consider dining elsewhere. Or if the table next to you smells worse after it’s been cleaned, remember the same person with the same towel likely cleaned your table, too.
Improper Lighting: We take no issue with restaurants that are deemed too dark (you won’t be the only one using your cell phone to illuminate the menu), but we are amazed at how many places (nice places!) are offensively, inexplicably bright. Ask to have them turned down, and they might go down a tick. You’ll more likely be told, "Then somebody else will ask us to turn them back up."
Foreign Objects in Food: While some people will bolt out of a restaurant after spotting an eyelash on their béarnaise, most guests are placated by the offer of a freshly cooked item (unless the unwanted add-in is offensive or alive).
Inaccurate Wait Times: On occasion, front-desk staffers have not been trained to quote accurate wait times (despite it being easy to do), so when your half-hour wait drifts closer to an hour, either suck it up or consider a nearby establishment where you know you can get right in.
Unruly/Loud Customers: Sometimes it’s the volume, sometimes it’s the pitch, and other times it’s the language, but no matter the issue, either ask management to intervene or, better yet, simply request another table and be done with it.
Follow dining editor George Mahe on Twitter and Instagram, subscribe to his weekly newsletter, or send him an "Ask George" email at gmahe@stlmag.com. For more from St. Louis Magazine, subscribe or follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
