Valentine’s Day means something different depending on whether you’ve been together mere minutes or a lifetime. Use our handy guide to help you figure out where you might go, what you might give and how you might feel about the whole mixed-up, crazy notion that there’s someone out there who’s just right for you
By Maud Kelly
First Date
The State of Your Love: Whoa, whoa! Love? Who said anything about love?! Not yet, baby! Interest? Check. Uncertainty? Check. Lust? Well, this is a family magazine, but we will say that while Valentine’s Day celebrates love, it’s meant to be about longing, too. When Cupid pierces your heart, you feel it in your gut. So, yeah, check lust, too, in that sweet, awkward, first-date sorta way.
The Date: Our suggestion? Go with that clumsy, uncertain, falling-over-yourself feeling by taking your first date to an outdoor ice-skating rink. (You can’t go wrong with Steinberg in Forest Park; 314-361-0613.) Picture it: It will be chilly. One of you will be better at managing to stay up than the other. You will laugh and go from feeling awkward to strangely at home with each other on, oh, let’s say the seventh time around the bend. You will look up and shyly, correctly, momentarily guess that the purpose of the sky and all its stars is to melt you.
The Gift: Chocolates. Give a bar of dark, rich fair-trade chocolate (Straubs sells a brand called Askinosie) that is tied with a red silk ribbon, and you won’t have to say much. You are complex, socially aware and just the right amount of sweet.
Six Months
The State of Your Love: Up till now you may have been trying to play it cool, take it slow, see how it goes, etc., etc. The six-month mark seems to us a good time to throw caution to the wind and just, what the hell, fall for each other. Show that you’re ready to drive fast and take lots of chances, metaphorically speaking of course, by heading off to ...
The Date: ... the NASCAR SpeedPark (nascarspeedpark.com/stlouis.html)! While it might be a tad chilly for the outdoor track, the inside one is possibly even more awesome, because it’s electric and therefore nearly silent, making for a smooooth ride. Plus there’s a rock wall. And nachos. Tip to the fairer sex: Even if this doesn’t immediately sound like the most romantic date in history, trust us—coming up (or going along) with this one shows that you are not afraid to explore your inner speed demon.
The Gift: Altered book. OK, this is fun. You’ll need some old books (a 1962 guide to the planets, say, or your favorite children’s book, or Beowulf—the possibilities are endless), a Sharpie, some scissors, glue and a smaller blank book. Go through the first book, and with your Sharpie, mark out most of the words on the page until what’s left are a few words that say it better than you could. So, for example, “You can see that the moons of other planets do not shine as brightly as our own moon does” becomes “You shine, just as our moon does.” Cut these out and glue a collection of them into your smaller blank book, along with some of those beautiful, washy illustrations of elephants, race cars and the planet Venus you see only in older books. You’ll be surprised how much you are able to say when it’s not you saying it. Your Valentine will be surprised at how much thought you put into your gift.
One Year
The State of Your Love: As far as Valentiniversaries go, the one that comes when you’ve been together a year or so is big. You’ve probably been through a little bit—your first profession of love, a fight or two, some making up. You might be feeling as if you know more about this person than you know about yourself. On the other hand, you’re still discovering each other, and each day is new. Are you both trying to say without really saying it that you think this is getting serious, and you think (shhh) you might have a future together?
The Date: Go where it feels as if you can see forever. If you’re outdoorsy, Castlewood State Park (mostateparks.com/castlewood.htm) is probably perfect, with its bluffs that contain little secret caves that overlook a train track, a river and miles of trees. And for a dining room with a view, head downtown to Harry’s (2144 Market, harrysrestaurantandbar.com), where you can dine with an eastern view of the arch.
The Gift: The treasure box. Go to one of St. Louis’ many antique malls (we suggest Warson Woods Antique Gallery at 10091 Manchester, 314-909-0123), and find an old metal box, rich with patina. Wander around looking for meaningful trinkets with which to fill said metal box. This could be anything from an age-old brooch to a stopped pocket watch and everything in between. It’s OK not to know exactly why each thing you chose is perfect, just trust that it feels right because it is (metaphor at work here—like your love, see?).
Five Years
The State of Your Love: Serious. Are you married? Living together? Living in separate cities and meeting for passionate weekend rendezvous? Whatever your situation, you are clearly a goner if you’ve been together this long. Most importantly, you’re past trying to present who you are in the relationship, and you’re working on the bigger, more important job of helping the other person discover who they are.
The Date: Go to the Saint Louis Art Museum (slam.org) days before your date, and find a painting, sculpture or print that reminds you in some way of your love, whether it’s the soulful eyes or the sensual and strange way the light plays on the canvas. (Tip: Don’t choose Anselm Kiefer’s Breaking of the Vessels—you know, the one with all the glass; the poets among us worry there might be too many ways to read that particular metaphor.) Write down the reason you chose it. Then, on Valentine’s Day, after wandering with your sweetie through the museum, go to the piece you’ve chosen, and hand over what you’ve written. The only thing possibly more romantic than this would be to have created the darn thing yourself.
The Gift: A small work of art to echo the larger theme. Find a print or postcard by your love’s new favorite artist in the museum gift shop. Have it framed, and sign it—just like the artist did.
Ten Years
The State of Your Love: You might have young kids. You might have stressful, demanding jobs. Heck, you may even have both, along with a dog that badly needs walking and cabinets whose contents haven’t been sorted since 2002. Hearing the words “Valentine’s Day” either makes you laugh or cry. Either way, not good.
The Date: As we see it, you have only two choices at this point: The Day Off or The Great Escape. In The Day Off, one of you entirely takes over the mundane responsibilities while the other one goes golfing or reads trashy novels in bed all day.
In The Great Escape you both get the hell out of Dodge for a day or two. We recommend Tara Point (tarapoint.com). In scenic Grafton, Ill., it overlooks the confluence of the Illinois and Mississippi rivers and is the highest point in three states. So high, in other words, it feels as if no one can reach you—not the kids, the boss or even the dog.
The Gift: For her, a gift certificate for a massage, facial, manicure or anything that spoils and relaxes (for an array of options, refer to “The 12 Days of Pampering” in our December 2007 issue). And for him, anything that doesn’t in the least resemble family or work responsibility or is in any way useful—let’s say, tickets to one of the four Blues home games in the second half of this month (blues.nhl.com).
Fifteen Years
The State of Your Love: You are not out of the woods yet, as far as family and career go, but you may have a little more breathing room, and you might be feeling ready to celebrate your accomplishments and get some serious luxury.
The Date: The Hermannhof Vineyard and Inn (hermannhof.com). This bed-and-breakfast is like heaven, if in heaven God brought you homemade chocolate brownies at 10 o’clock every night and set you up with a Jacuzzi and a private balcony. Because it’s close to an Amtrak stop and the Katy Trail, you can grab your bikes, hop on the train in Kirkwood and head to your romantic getaway auto-free.
The Gift: For her, the definitive mark of simplicity and beauty: diamond-stud earrings. For him, the same: an iPhone. Don’t blame us—he told us to tell you that. And while we don’t think Valentine’s Day should be about things and especially not about gadgets, the iPhone might be an exception.
Twenty-Five Years
The State of Your Love: Content. Your kids, if you’ve had them, may well be off starting lives of their own. You can see the humor in what’s come before at the same time that you eagerly await the adventures that are still to come. You have a lot to be proud of and deserve to sit back and enjoy what life has to offer.
The Date: Jazz at the Bistro at Grand Center (jatb.org), which hearkens back to an earlier time. And for couples who have been together this long, dinner need not flow with conversation. Let the rhythm flow instead.
The Gift: Because silver is 25’s precious metal, why not give small silver reminders that can be carried with you every day? Engrave simple rings with a special something you share—the line of a favorite song or an old, private joke. Now, more than ever, you can begin to think about the two of you again.
Thirty-Five Years
The State of Your Love: Someone we know has a mother who’s been married just this long, and she told us something interesting: As people age, their hormones shift—men lose some testosterone and women gain some. That means the longer you’ve been together, the more in balance you are. Maybe it’s for this or some other reason that couples who stick it out this long feel as if they are finally, above all, friends. “It’s not that you compromise who you were,” that wise mother says, “you just become less attached to who you were, and that makes all the difference.”
The Gift: Each other’s company. Vow to spend more time together in the pursuit of something new, like, say, tai chi, the brilliantly relaxing yet energizing art of movement that balances body and mind. St. Louis offers a variety of tai chi groups (krapu4.com/taichi/classlist.htm) that meet inside in the winter and then, when spring comes, move outside to the city’s many parks. Promising your partner that you will seek to live healthfully and happily is the best kind of Valentine’s gift because it is simple and from the heart.
The Date: Something that lets you really just be here now and enjoy what’s right around you—walking a favorite path, browsing in a tucked-away bookstore or sneaking off to see a matinee. Or, if you’re ready for a new adventure together, flying to Europe. No reason your new pursuit shouldn’t be international travel.
Fifty Years
The State of Your Love: You, my friends, you beautiful 50 year-ers, the ones whose relationship status the rest of the world idolizes to the point it probably feels insipid and naïve, for your Valentine’s Day we imagine there’s not much you really feel you need but the knowledge that you’ve done what you set out to do.
The Gift: Hire an oral historian to do a video recording of the two of you telling your stories—your most memorable date, say, or the worst family vacation you ever took. You get the pleasure of reliving some of your most touching moments together, and the people who love you best will get a gift to cherish forever.
The Date: After your storytelling session, hire a car and driver, and head out to an exquisite restaurant like Tony’s (410 Market, 314-231-7007), where you’ll be wined and dined, and spend an evening basking in the beauty of your life together. On the drive home, look out the window. Remember that moment long ago when you went from feeling awkward together (was there ice beneath your feet?) to strangely at home. Know for certain that the sky and all its stars belong to you, that they shimmer more brightly when you ride, together, beneath them. If you would be so kind, send out a wish for the rest of us.
