It’s the month of May, and that means the Missouri General Assembly stands on the verge of its finest hour: adjournment.
Customarily, there’s quite a rush of last-minute legislative activity at this time of year, but in 2012, a larger story is presented by a rare dynamic that’s in play: A governor seeking reelection will be receiving election-year bills from a legislature overwhelmingly controlled by the opposing party.
It’s the legislative equivalent of an eclipse of the sun.
This would invite mischief even if the legislature were populated by thoughtful and responsible citizens—which it most certainly is not—so it’s pretty clear that almost every piece of legislation arriving on Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon’s desk will be mined to coax him into an action that can be used against him politically. Real governance can wait until next year.
With rare exceptions, the Republicans will introduce two types of bills: 1) ones they want Nixon to veto and 2) ones that have that no chance of passage, but which offer a tasty serving of red meat to the fringiest of followers. Lest this analysis seem too partisan, rest assured that the Democrats would use the same approach were the tables turned.
But do not despair. None of this means the legislative session has lost all of its entertainment value. There has been no shortage of bills that offer enough weirdness and idiocy to compensate for any loss of actual news out of Jefferson City.
Let’s take a look at some of the most notable, with this caveat: Deadline limitations preclude me from discussing the outcome of any legislation. This is OK, though, because in pretty much every case, it really doesn’t matter.
So here we go.
The Most Brainless Bill of the Year: A Civil Rights Act for Gun Owners
This year, the honor goes to Rep. Wanda Brown (R–Lincoln) for HB 1621, which proposes to make it unlawful for employers to discriminate against someone for having a concealed-carry permit or for legally using a firearm. Under the law, employers could not “fail or refuse to hire” someone for their gun ownership and use, nor could they fire them for such.
It’s true that such discrimination would be dastardly, and were it not for the small detail that there’s no known case of it actually happening, this would be an excellent “we shall overcome” moment for the National Rifle Association.
Were this bill to become law, I believe all gays and lesbians should immediately go out and purchase guns and permits. Then, if some homophobic employer refused to hire them—or fired them—for, say, appearing a little too Project Runway for their taste, the offended employee could argue that it was really all about their gun. Come on, Missouri NRA: Break some ground with your new “Guns for Gays” campaign.
Another Brainless Gun Bill
Let’s have a little love for HB 1319 from Rep. Paul Fitzwater (R–Potosi), which reads “notwithstanding any other provision of state law or local ordinance, any person who has a valid concealed carry endorsement may openly carry firearms on or about his or her person.”
That’s right, even if your business has a “no guns” sign, someone gets to override it by carrying his or her piece in full view. Want to carry those Smith & Wessons into a bank or a stadium or a grocery store? No problem: Just put them in holsters. Let’s hope no one yells, “Kill the ump!” or takes too long to fill a deli order. (You could make the case that this is more brainless than the other gun bill, but it didn’t lend itself to a “Guns for Gays” reference.)
Let’s Bar This Senator From Our Zoo
Sen. Bill Stouffer (R–Napton) introduced SB 738, which reads “any person may kill a mountain lion in this state, provided that the killing of any such mountain lion shall be reported immediately to an agent of the department of conservation and the intact mountain lion carcass shall be surrendered to the agent within 24 hours.”
Like most city slickers, I wasn’t aware that we had mountain lions in our state—other than in our zoos (where, if HB 1319 passed, the likes of Sen. Stouffer could take them out legally with his fully displayed weaponry). I checked out the Mountain Lion Foundation (mountainlion.org), which features a Missouri mountain lion page that explains it’s only legal to kill mountain lions that are attacking people or domestic animals. The website states, “Because of the irrational fear of what could happen and misinformation about the species, the mountain lion is no longer protected in Missouri.” Good-ol’-boy legislators, however, are still protected.
We Need an Official State Historical Dog!
Three separate bills have been filed to honor an official state historical dog. I’m not kidding. It’s a three-dog race, and the finalists are Jim the Wonder Dog, Old Drum, and Seaman. The dogs’ sponsors are Rep. Joe Aull (D–Marshall), Rep. Denny Hoskins (R–Warrensburg), and Rep. Chrissy Sommer (R–St. Charles), respectively.
I’m not sure whether betting on dog races is legal in Missouri, but if it is, I’m going with Jim the Wonder Dog, who, according to HB 1863, was “a Llewellyn setter and champion hunting dog [that] amazingly carried out commands…whether such commands were given in a foreign language, shorthand, or Morse Code. In addition, Jim the Wonder Dog accurately predicted the winner of seven Kentucky Derbies, the World Series, and the gender of unborn babies.” He’s buried in Aull’s hometown of Marshall, where his plot “is the most visited grave in the cemetery.”
And While We’re discussing Dogs...
Rep. Bill Reiboldt (R–Neosho) has offered HB 1404 to make every December “Pet Breeders Appreciation Month,” so we might “enhance the knowledge and appreciation of the contributions…made by Missouri pet breeders.” Reiboldt previously did that by fighting against Proposition B, which briefly made inroads in the effort to regulate Missouri’s powerful puppy-mill industry.
Here’s a Solution in Search of a Problem
House Speaker Pro Tem Shane Schoeller (R–Willard) introduced one of his party’s top legislative agenda items: HB 1104, to require that voters show government-issued photo IDs. Presumably, this would stamp out the practice of people showing up at the polls pretending to be someone else who is on the voter rolls. This, of course, doesn’t happen, and it would be ridiculous to try. What isn’t ridiculous is this: More than 200,000 Missourians who don’t have government-issued photo IDs—disproportionately black, disabled, and elderly (and Democrats)—would face a new hurdle to exercising their most basic constitutional right.
But Other Than for Those People, We’re All About Rights
Sen. Brian Nieves (R–Washington) and Rep. Paul Curtman (R–Pacific) introduced the “Civil Liberties Defense Act” to protect vulnerable Missourians “from the application of foreign laws when the application of a foreign law will result in the violation of a right guaranteed by the constitution of this state or of the United States.” This would provide some relief for the thousands of Missourians presumably facing death by stoning under Sharia law for having committed adultery.
Obamacare Isn’t Just a Bad Idea; in These Parts, It’s a Crime
Federal healthcare reform—a.k.a. Obamacare—is among the hottest issues of the 2012 presidential election, and it is no surprise that legislators around the nation are wasting their taxpayers’ resources by weighing in for or against it. We the people have held a meaningless statewide referendum on the topic. But Rep. Kurt Bahr (R–O’Fallon) gives us HB 1534, proclaiming that the health act signed into law by President Barack Obama “is not law, but is altogether void and of no force.” The proposed legislation adds, “Any official, agent or employee of the United States government who undertakes any action within the borders of this state that enforces or attempts to enforce any aspect of the federal Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is guilty of a class A misdemeanor.”
And we got guns, marshall. Just like we told President Fillmore.
Speaking of Obama, This Isn’t About Him
Known for some strange reason as the “birther bill,” HB 1046 was innocently introduced by Rep. Lyle Rowland (R–Cedarcreek) for the simple purpose of requiring political parties to provide Missouri’s secretary of state “with verifiable evidence of identity and of proof of status as a natural born citizen of the United States” for all candidates for president and vice-president. Rowland has denied that this has anything to do with President Obama. Why would anyone think such a thing?
Isn’t It Time We Gave the Confederacy Equal Time on Our License Plates?
Among the plethora of special license plates proposed by legislators across the political spectrum is this: a Burnt District special license plate proposed in HB 1269 by Rep. Rick Brattin (R–Harrisonville). The Cass County Historical Society’s website has more information on the Civil War history of the Burnt District, along with proposed license plates designs, two of which display the American and Confederate flags equally—a nice offset to the “I Have a Dream” plate proposed in SB 528 by Sen. Robin Wright-Jones (D–St. Louis).
In Case Any of This Has You Exercised…
Rep. Pat Conway (D–St. Joseph) has introduced only one bill this session, but it’s a critical one: to designate “the exercise commonly known and referred to as ‘jumping jacks,’ which was invented by Missouri-born Gen. John J. Pershing as a drill exercise for cadets,” as the official state exercise.
It’s about time Pershing got some credit for this: His Wikipedia page says he led our army in World War I, but makes no mention of jumping jacks. The Wikipedia page for jumping jacks not only ignores Pershing, but also credits
non-Missourian Jack LaLanne with popularizing the exercise. We need to take back what is ours.
Resolved: We Legislators Will Never Again Pass Resolutions That Waste Taxpayers’ Time and Money
Wait a minute. I can’t find the sponsor of that one.
SLM co-owner ray hartmann is a panelist on KETC Channel 9’s Donnybrook, which airs Thursdays at 7 p.m. 7
Commentary by Ray Hartmann
