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It's Thursday morning, and the Internet Headliners Union has run out of David Freese puns. Over at Viva El Birdos we ran out of lines from Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin to photoshop under pictures of the St. Louis Cardinals' homegrown third baseman something like two years ago, so I knew this day would come if he ever did something of baseball-wide import, but I'm still surprised how quickly it happened. The 2011 Cardinals—for a few months our local shame and then, since sometime around the first of September, our pride and joy—have gone national, at least for the rest of this week.
Friday night, when Game 5 of the series shows up between Conan ads on TBS, the Cardinals will, for at least one game, be recognized for something other than Albert Pujols's contract situation. Here are some story lines you'll probably hear about as if for the first time while Dick Stockton fills in the elimination-game crowd:
1. Torty Craig. Once, Torty Craig was just a turtle living with Allen Craig, the Cardinals' all-purpose line-drive hitter. Now he's the owner of a Twitter account with 10,000 followers and an anonymous author. When Allen Craig hits, he Does It For Torty.
2. Chris Carpenter's apparent "bounceback." Chris Carpenter went 4-7 in the first half of the season and 7-2 in the second half of the season, and that—is exactly as far as most broadcasters will look down their media guides. It's worth reiterating here that, whatever happens Friday, the Cardinals' longtime ace was never done—he was just stupendously unlucky. In the first half of the season Carpenter struck out three batters for every one he walked, much like he did in 2010, and through a combination of terrible run support and a fluky batting average on balls in play lost seven of his first eight decisions. That's all.
It is true, though, that in the second half he's been even better. That 7-2 record comes from a strikeout-to-walk ratio of nearly four, not to mention nearly eight strikeouts per nine innings. Those are numbers we haven't seen from Carp since 2006. He's not Roy Halladay, but nobody is; he is pitching like any other ace.
3. Jason Motte's wacky closer vibes. Fernando Salas did yeoman's work as the Cardinals closer through most of the summer, but I'm glad Motte managed to usurp him in time for the postseason, because he just looks like a closer. None of this low-90s-fastball/straight-changeup stuff; Motte comes in looking angry and wired and undersized, throws 98-mph fastballs and 90-mph cutter-slurve-things until all the batters are out, and then stalks off the field looking like an unshaven maniac.
That's what closers are supposed to look like in the postseason. Apparently he's even been given Angry Closer Music—Derrick Goold reports it's now "Lose Yourself," by Eminem.
4. The Squirrel. He's no Torty Craig, though there is, already, a novelty Twitter account, but the squirrel living in Busch Stadium has the advantage of having appeared on national TV and rattled one of the best pitchers of the last decade. With the series moving to Philadelphia for its final game the Busch Stadium squirrel will be heard and not seen Friday night, but that's probably for the best; they'd just throw batteries at it, anyway.
5. Albert Pujols's contract. Look, I know I said they'd finally be talked about for reasons other than the impending free agency of the best player in baseball, but even I'm not naive enough to think they'll shut up about it. Just mute your TV when Dick Stockton begins any sentence with, "This might be…"
