After guiding couples through 14,000 divorces and summing it up in her new book, 7 Secrets From the Divorce Whisperer, divorce lawyer Marta Papa knows which arguments are most toxic. But when she does marriage mediation (a growing trend), she refuses to rehash cause or blame. “It all boils down to balancing the power,” she says. “People fight over the same things over and over, and there’s no answer to it. You want to create a new future? You let each other ‘win’ half the time—and you remember that overall, you win together or you lose together.”
1. Money
As with most things in a relationship, finances are about give-and-take. “One person doesn’t get to make all the financial decisions,” says Papa. “You divide that power equally. You set a budget, and you may need outside help to do it, because this is such a charged issue. A financial planner can be even better than a therapist, because it’s not that something is ‘wrong’ with you. You need to establish three categories: (1) hard fixed costs—either absolute necessities, payments you’re locked into, or money you need to save for the future; (2) negotiable necessities, like food; and (3) frivolous money, which you divide. No one should be working to support someone else’s lifestyle.”
2. Sex
Maybe you secretly recoil from your spouse’s preferences, or maybe you’re overworked, stressed, and exhausted. “What my therapist friends do is make sex lighthearted, like a parlor game,” Papa says. “It’s not mandatory; each party has a veto card, and you don’t have to explain yourself. You make it an adventure that only the two of you share. Also, you set aside one date night a week and take turns picking what you do. If you hate the other person’s pick, that’s OK. But you’ve gotta go each weekend, because if you don’t, somebody loses their pick. So you find a way to make it fun.”
3. In-laws
One set is perceived as spoiling the kids or pressuring the spouse to be more social, act differently, come every week to Sunday dinner, or whatever. “They see it as keeping the family traditions,” Papa says, “but maybe their son or daughter never cut the apron strings and is really enmeshed.
“You’re still trying to please your parents but also your spouse, and you’re getting no pleasure yourself,” Papa warns. “You are going to have to pick your battles, and you need to approach the parents together as a united front. Get used to that, because you have to be a united front for your kids, too.”
