A conversation with documentary filmmaker Debbie Lum, who graduated from John Burroughs High. She now lives in the Bay Area, and she’s returned to a subject she first struggled with as a teenager in St. Louis: the automatic attraction some Western men feel toward Asian women. She’s spent the past five years researching and filming a documentary, Seeking Asian Female.
This is a topic that has always fascinated me, because if you’re an Asian-American woman and you grow up in the United States, it’s almost impossible to escape. Back when I was growing up—I was born in 1969—Asian-Americans in St. Louis were completely invisible. Except to people like the main character in the documentary.
Who is…?
Steven. We posted an ad on AsiaFriendFinder.com, an online matchmaking site that specializes in connecting Western men with Asian women. He responded very openly and was excited about participating.
Why?
He’s kind of a quirky guy. And I was an Asian-American woman myself; I don’t think he would have agreed otherwise. A lot of the guys I interviewed agreed to talk to me because they felt like they were being misrepresented. They are pariahs; they are seen as these guys who prey on Asian women.
Who are assumed to be vulnerable, delicate, pure, and innocent…
Exactly. There are a lot of stereotypes at play on all sides.
You followed Steven for five years, waiting to see if he’d find his match?
Yes. To my great surprise, it turned into a love story—and you would never, ever imagine how that could happen. For the longest time, I didn’t even think he’d find someone. A lot of the women are looking for stability and financial security. They have a stereotype of what an American guy is like, and Steven just did not fit. He doesn’t even own a home, he rents an apartment, and he was 64 when they met, and Sandy was 30.
And you sense it’s a good relationship?
I’m laughing because your tone is expressing exactly what I felt, and it made me very nervous. What I watched them do is encounter all of the things any married couple encounters. And they have found a way.
Did Sandy even speak English when she came here from China's Anhui province?
No, but she’s learned it since. For a while, I was their translator, and sort of a reluctant marriage counselor. They had to marry within three months, because of her visa.
Did either have any doubts?
She did. He was willing to marry anyone who’d marry him, and he said that to me many times. But even so, you have an image or fantasy or whatever, and when you confront the reality, your feelings change. As they confronted real conflict, I think he might have even had some doubts.
They married anyway. Then what?
The amazing thing is that I’ve watched him change. This twice-divorced man who’d sworn off women for 15 years. You know, when you’re an old bachelor, you develop a lot of quirky habits. He has a lot of stuff, he’s pretty messy, he’s used to being on his own.
How did Sandy respond?
She turned into a firecracker and demanded that he step up! When I first met her, I thought, “Oh, God, she’s just like his fantasy.” But it happened pretty early on, because they had a big fight. He had collected all these pictures of an ex-girlfriend…
She wanted them deleted from his computer?
She wanted them deleted. From then on, she basically whipped him into shape. Over the course of time, he lost 30 pounds. Every time I see him now, he looks younger. She changed his diet, had him eating only Chinese food, restricted how much beer he could drink. And because he totally adores her, he did it.
Can you generalize at all about why so many Western men want Asian wives? Is it because they at least think the women will be more docile?
None of them will say that. And I hate to generalize, because every situation is different. But I do think it’s the yearning for a traditional wife. Steven actually understood that Chinese women are quite liberated now, but the way they look at relationships between men and women is still more traditional.
Did any of the guys you interviewed match the pariah stereotype?
Oh, yeah, some of them did.
Where are you now, in the making of the documentary?
We’ve finished filming, and we’ll be editing for the next six months. San Francisco’s PBS station has partnered with us, and the California Council for the Humanities has given us a matching grant for $30,000, so we have to raise an additional $30,000, and we’re about two-thirds of the way there.
Lum’s parents—local t’ai chi teacher Anna Lum and musician Rich O’Donnell—have put together a September 24 fundraiser for the documentary at Mandarin House Restaurant, with a 12-course Chinese dinner, 10-minute screening, and live music.
