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Let’s say that you enjoy some part-time labor at a restaurant and bar (theroyale.com), one that throws a sizable Kentucky Derby Day party. And your contribution to the cause, at first, is nothing more than suggesting that live mouse racing should be part of the experience. Except that, to your surprise, the idea’s actually enacted, with the owners having a father-son moment, together creating an eight-lane mouse track out of lumber bits, clear plastic, some wire mesh and a few pieces of hanging hardware.
Well, when that happens, you need to shut your yap and race some mice.
This past Saturday, I had my first experience as a mouse race organizer. After buying 16 mice, running 14 races and dealing with two youth wranglers, the time’s been judged as well-spent. Here are seven simple tips on running your own fundraising race course.
1. Tracks can be attractive, as well as functional. Find a local artist to add lane coloration, stick-on numbers and finishing lines. That means your track has more than form, it also has class.
2. If people are picking out racers (and we note: this does not in any, way, shape, or form imply any type of wagering or gaming), make sure that you’ve got extra hands to deal with your book. Everybody loves impish kids, so find a couple of them after you’ve found your track decorator. The more impish, the better.
3. Mice can be gotten at any variety of pet shops, but if you go to one that specializes in reptiles, you know that the mice will be cheap, since they’re essentially sold as snake food. The Exotic Amphibian and Reptile Center of South County fits the bill nicely, selling 16 vital, race-worthy mice for about $25.
4. Treat your mice right prior to raceday. Get a nice big packing tub, then distribute chip shavings around the base. Add some water receptacles. Throw in some sheltering cardboard, like toilet paper rings or cracker boxes. Give ‘em some bread and produce scraps. Then watch ‘em create their own wacky little pad.
Mouse Racing @ Derby Day from Thomas Crone on Vimeo.
5. Be prepared to answer this question at the race, more than 15-20 times: “What’s going to happen to the mice?” Mind you, the person asking this question may have just eaten a hamburger, but they’re very, very, very concerned that you’re treating the mice humanely and aren’t giving them a post-race bonus of a one-way trip to the River Des Peres. Patiently explain that your mice came from a small holding rack, filled with dozens of other mice, all headed for snake bellies. And that the mice will, in all likelihood, be “donated” back to said shop, where they’ll be reunited with their mates, awaiting their ultimate fate. So your mice will have actually had a vacation, but be prepared to argue that point. (Affiliated note: No matter if a child at the race says they have permission to take home a mouse, do not agree to this, as you’ll immediately be met with a parent vigorously shaking their head “no,” just behind said child. Tell that kid you’re taking them to the country, or anything else you can think of, but avoid their inevitable, crushing disappointment at all costs.)
6. Don’t get attached to your mice, yourself, if you plan to return them. Understand that when all 16 mice are piled atop each other in a corner, snoozing away the entire afternoon, you’ll suddenly be grabbed by something like... affection. The strange desire to just keep a couple. Then the idea of how you can build a multi-modal sanctuary for them out of additional packing boxes and household odds’n’ends. Do not succumb to cheap emotion.
7. On race day, pick your mice at random, don’t accept bribes, let your racers have some extended rest breaks. Tip your wranglers well. Apologize to the band for screaming, “Time for mouse races!” every five minutes. In other words, run a clean and honorable set of competitions.
Or disregard all of this and just leave it to the pros. Maybe there’s a little less fun that way, but there’s also a little less of that funky smell wafting through the sun porch. Your call, of course.
