It happens every March. One of the guys from sales makes it across the invisible electric fence that we keep around the editorial department and shows up at my desk holding an NCAA bracket. Brackets, I tell him, hold shelves. He suggests I take a shot, just this once. I tell him it’s madness. But just this once, I fill it out. Now I don’t know why you all make such a fuss about this. It’s cake.
MIDWEST
Louisville because they’re playing in Lexington, and I just love Kentucky: horses, green pastures, white stone walls, and bourbon. Mizzou, of course: It always had the best frat parties. And SLU because I went there—three times, and went to every damned Billiken basketball game, and listened to my mom talk about Easy Ed Macauley back in the glory days. Valparaiso is just a beautiful word—is it Italian? I practice rolling the R. The sales rep looks impatient. I move on: Duke. I once bet on that Bobby guy, the coach, and won a five-course dinner at Malmaison from my skinflint boyfriend... Oh wait. That coach was from Indiana, and Duke lost. Well then, it’s high time Duke wins again.
Regional Winner: SLU. The Billikens have to beat the Blue Devils. So I'm biased. If you can't trust your heart, life will disappoint you.
WEST
Gonzaga's going to win three straight. Hey, this is fun. Like jumping a bunch of marbles in Chinese checkers. Belmont has to win at least two games in a row, because I’m so bloody sick of hearing about Harvard. Plus, Belmont reminds me of horse races, and those I really do bet on. (You can always tell when a horse is ready to run by that little extra lilt in his gait when he walks out of the stables; I never pick the skittish, snorting ones, unless they’re the sensitive-skittish sort and their eyes are clear. I hope these boys' eyes are clear.)Notre Damewill win two straight before losing to Belmont, which in turn will lose to Gonzaga.
Regional Winner: Gonzaga.I love saying Gonzaga. It’s like Onondaga. Or Lady Gaga. Something primal in that a–ga rhythm.
SOUTH
I’ve already handed the sales rep my form, but he says I have to fill in the other side, too...even though I’ve already pretty much decided that either SLU or Gonzaga will win. But, fine. Western Kentucky (see rationale for Louisville) and Villanova (see Valparaiso). I'll take Michigan because it’s even colder in South Dakota, and everybody knows the real feeder’s those pickup games on city asphalt. I’ve got to pick Northwestern; they have a great journalism school. And I'll pick Georgetown, with those quaint cobbled streets and all that realpolitik.
Regional Winner: UCLA. A big school in Southern California’s always a good bet when you’re not sure.
EAST
Oh good, here’s Indiana! They'll face Temple in the next round, since we’ve got a religious theme going. California will win, because there's no way I'm picking the UNLV. I hate gambling; it’s morally bankrupt. I think California will later lose to Syracuse. After beating Miami, Illinois will face off against Marquette in what the sales rep tells me is the "Sweet 16." Marquette's mascot is a golden eagle: height, power, confidence.
Regional Winner: Indiana. With that Bobby guy as their coach, I bet they're a shoo-in—or whatever you call it when a player taps the basketball in over the rim. I love that.
FINAL FOUR
SLU vs. Gonzaga: Two Jesuit schools pitted against each other should be a revealing first trial for the new pope. Who I’m sure cares about basketball as much as I do.
UCLA vs. Indiana: Of course Indiana will beat UCLA. (See my air-tight rationale for why the Hoosiers will win the East.)
NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
SLU v. Indiana: If I pick SLU, I’ll feel swayed by irrational bias... On the other hand, if SLU wins it all, maybe I can do some background reporting for one of the national papers—they’re bound to need writers who know their way around a bracket.
