We’re drowning in data, problem-solving apps, and YouTube how-to’s, but there’s precious little wisdom on offer. Yet when SLM went looking for deeply humane St. Louisans who’d lived at least seven decades—long enough to know a little—more names flew at us than we could catch. One after another, the nominees demurred, refusing to consider themselves wise. People who’ve gleaned even a few scraps of wisdom, it turns out, don’t shout it. Even Dr. C. Robert Cloninger, a Washington University psychiatrist and geneticist who’s devoted the second half of his career to the science of well-being, warned, “Take whatever I say with a grain of salt—or more.” Wisdom is not about certitude, or proselytizing, or promoting your brand. It’s about living your life so consciously and conscientiously, it bubbles up insights for the rest of us.
The Wise Ones, and their former or current occupations. Note: Some chose only one or two questions to answer; others tackled the list. This is a tiny slice of their thinking.
Hamishe Bahrami, co-owner of Cafe Natasha’s
Martha Baker, writer
Susan Margolis Balk, writer, editor, media consultant, nonprofit founder
Harper Barnes, author, journalist, film critic
C. Robert Cloninger, psychiatrist
John Danforth, lawyer, senator
Karen Duffy, restaurateur
Johnetta Haley, musician and teacher
Margaret Flowing Johnson, activist
Arthur Litz, judge
Anna Lum, t’ai chi teacher
Marylen Mann, nonprofit founder
Avis Meyer, journalism professor
Leroy Ortmeyer, physician
Dean Rosen, psychologist
Pam Schaeffer, editor, writer, scholar
Ben Senturia, activist
Milton Wharton, judge
Mike Wolff, law dean, judge
What have Americans not figured out about how to live?
How to slow down. ~Duffy
How not to be seduced by money. Being fulfilled—which is psychic income—is really important. ~Mann
In the search for hope, we have directed too much attention to accumulation. ~Wharton
The need to listen across difference. This is a life skill no one teaches you—and it’s critical. ~Senturia
We don’t trust people who are different from us. For you and me to be OK, the people at the next table have to be jerks. Americans don’t know how to enjoy the pleasure of listening to other people’s ideas. ~Balk
Well, Americans haven’t figured out how to diversify everything. That means their life, their living, their associations, their work—everything, really. They need to just do it. ~Haley
Our institutions have been dehumanized. Everything is being reduced to its cash value; everything is turned into a business. That makes people act out of fear, and then they don’t listen to their inner voice about what’s really valuable and important to them. I don’t want a world in which everything is homogenized and made uniform so Google can make a profit. ~Cloninger
I thought immediately of a story, told tongue-in-cheek in Greece. An American visiting a Greek island comes upon an old man, owner of a large olive grove, sitting on a rock, sipping ouzo, watching the sun set over the sea. The American chides the Greek, telling him he could make a lot of money by producing large quantities of olive oil and sending it to America. Then, with all that money, he could do whatever he wanted. The Greek man looks puzzled. “You mean like sit outside and sip ouzo at sunset?” ~Schaeffer
What, for you, are some of life’s most reliable joys?
Intimacy—not just the sexual kind. Conversational, intellectual intimacy, the kind where you walk out of the room a slightly different person than you were when you walked in. ~Balk
White wine. Sharing meals with family and friends. ~Duffy
Bacon, strong cheese, a new restaurant with a kind of food that I have never tried, learning, hitting a 7- iron onto the green from 150 yards out, electronic devices that don’t need to be rebooted or unplugged for a solid week, solid defense up the middle, learning to lay off of the slider, particularly third basemen. ~Senturia
Solving a problem. So many people are scared of problems, but I love to have a problem, ’cause you can figure it out. ~Anna Lum
I do oil painting. That makes me really happy. During the painting, I feel like I’m in a different world. ~Bahrami
Butterflies on the asters in Flanders Fields; a finely cast satin stitch; a headstone in upstate New York that reads, “She did what she could” (oh, the story behind that!); Grandmother Baker’s dumplings—“chicken and slickers,” she called them, because the dough floated on the grease. ~Baker
What invariably disappoints?
Dating. The formality and the posturing. ~Balk
Meeting famous people. ~Litz
When you show off or try to dominate and control. ~Cloninger
Trying to recapture or re-create a peak experience. I believe it’s something in the way the brain is wired: We are all seeking to “chase the dragon,” as addicts say when they’re trying to re-experience that first intoxication that felt so magical. ~Rosen
I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with haircuts. ~Duffy
One bit of truth you wish everyone you loved knew, deep in their hearts.
There’s something special about each person, and you ought to be able to recognize that. Your life would be richer. ~Haley
There are people whose lives didn’t turn out to be what they expected. You have to let go of that. It’s hard to imagine the obstacles and limitations that everybody has, the losses and sometimes missed opportunities. It’s hard to know who you’re going to be and what you’re going to do. And many times, life turns out to be different than you thought. I think you have to be philosophical about it. ~Mann
We must fight the urge to merge—to find and sustain a soulmate who will think and feel and love what we think and feel and love. We desire this state of merging, when two become one, yet it is impossible to sustain, leading to disappointment. Thus we all end up with the wrong person, because whoever we commit to will be different from us—the differences that drive us crazy in our urge to merge our identities. The solution is to agree to disagree, to accept the differences as only differences, not right or wrong ways to think and feel and act. ~Rosen
For us as practicing Catholics—we have a son who is gay and a daughter who is a lesbian, and they’re two of the greatest people I know… What helped was the realization that at least from the beginning of recorded history, a percentage of all people who are born are like this, so—if you believe in God—God must be OK with that. ~Ortmeyer
What keeps you sane?
Meditating twice a day. Learning to live in the moment, to really wallow in the moment. ~Balk
When I reach a point where I can’t stand to pick up a newspaper or look at the 5 o’clock news, it pays to get in the presence of people who are committed to making a better world, people who have a focus that is not directed toward what I might call the big picture. They are firmly grounded and doing what they can do to make things better, and just being in their presence has an uplifting effect. ~Wharton
The nearness of certain books on my shelves can get me through just about any day. These are the writings that highlight the foibles and absurdities, the loneliness and longing, the highs and lows of human experience. For me, they include, above all, the Bible, and then, in no particular order, Dante, Homer, John of the Cross, Isaac Bashevis Singer, James Joyce’s Ulysses, T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets, George Saunders, and the songs of Leonard Cohen. ~Schaeffer
Your best bit of relationship advice.
Listen empathetically; don’t just talk. ~Senturia
Don’t lose your sense of humor. ~Litz
Say what you think. Be true to yourself—and that goes for anyone, kids or partners or bosses. ~Duffy
I attribute a marriage of 57 years and running to the abiding loyalty of two imperfect people through the worst and best of times. We marry the right person more often than we know, but long-term relationships sometimes need to die and be reborn. ~Schaeffer
Don’t screen your calls. Years ago, in a fit of what seemed like misguided egalitarianism, I decided that if I was “in,” I was “in” for everyone. If I needed to get work done, interrupted, I was “out” for everyone. ~Wolff
My mother always would say, “When you put two clay jars next to each other, they make noise. When you live with one person, things happen. You fight. You need to sit down and talk about it—which, most of the time, I didn’t do. If I had, we would have had a better relationship. ~Bahrami
I performed a marriage—actually, it was the re-celebration of a marriage. This couple had been married more than 50 years, and they were just lovely. I said, “What’s the secret?” and without hesitation, the wife said, “Don’t keep score.” ~Wharton
What should every parent bear in mind?
That the child is an individual. Give them room to develop into more than what you want. Don’t have them programmed to run to soccer practice and piano lessons. Give them time to dream. ~Litz
Grown children may at times look at their parents in terms of what their parents did or didn’t do for them and find fault when their own lives aren’t going well. I did this myself. But in time, I realized that the arc of my parents’ lives was about much more than me, that they had their own histories to tend to and that it was up to me, in my turn, to do what they had done: create my own best history with what I had and despite what I might lack. ~Schaeffer
People’s work lives would be so much better if they ________.
Believed in themselves more. ~Balk
Weren’t greedy. ~Bahrami
Enjoyed their occupation to the point that it was not work. ~Wharton
Had the kind of job that was fulfilling. Without that, forget it. ~Haley
Were in a company that really respected all its stakeholders. This is the problem of dealing with burnout. The businesses don’t want to face the underlying problem, and they are putting the burden on the resilience of the employee. ~Cloninger
Had more days off. ~Duffy
The perfect job has three attributes. It provides a credible salary and benefits—though it’s unlikely that you will ever own a new car or take European cruises, willy-nilly, before you’re 50. It grants you that rare luxury of time, to relish and revel in the people, interests, eccentricities and moments of clarity that add pizzazz to your life. It counts, makes a difference, leaves a legacy that, even if slight, provides evidence that you were here, did something worthy, left more, during your short residence, than a shadow on the earth. ~Meyer
What’s helped you overcome the bigotry we all fall prey to?
I am 75 and was raised in a culture of white privilege. I have spent my life talking as a social justice activist but not making significant personal change. However, for the last five years I have been a part of a black-white dialogue group. We have dinner together monthly at each other’s homes. We talk about personal issues that often underscore our different backgrounds. We listen, and learn, and grow closer. We have become friends. I am only sorry that it took me so long to make this happen. ~Senturia
The cause of prejudice is fear, and the antidote is what’s important in friendship, too: You have to really listen and put yourself in someone else’s place , rather than staying inside your own skin. It’s hard to know the hardships people face, the burdens they carry, the reasons they do what they do. And it’s hard for some people to reveal themselves. But if you really listen…
Guarding against making assumptions about anyone based on their race or ethnicity or religion. It has to be person-to-person, one-on-one, or we’re lost. ~Schaeffer
What would you whisper to your 9-year-old self?
You can catch like the boys. ~Duffy
It will get better. You are not alone. ~Baker
Learn how to be strong. ~Bahrami
Just be yourself. Don’t try to copy someone else. ~Litz
Rebellion can be self-destructive. That situations make a difference; you can thrive in one and might fail in another. ~Wharton
It’s not important to have a lot of money or pretty clothes. ~Haley
Don’t be so hard on yourself, so self-critical. You’re OK. ~Mann
The issues of most concern to your inner life can be answered by looking within yourself, not blaming the world. ~Senturia
Life is wonderful and interesting. You just have to stay awake. ~Cloninger
What’s helped you most in hard times?
Realizing you are not the only one this has ever happened to. ~Litz
My religion. I tried to follow the Sermon on the Mount. I just adopted that myself, didn’t tell anybody, didn’t preach about it. ~Haley
There’s a scene in a 1975 movie, Lies My Father Told Me, in which a young boy turns to his grandfather, a ragpicker and a devout Jew, and asks, “Grandfather, do you believe in miracles?” The old man thinks for a bit, then replies, “No, son. I don’t believe in miracles. But I rely on them.” As do I.
Remembering that I don’t have to do it all. I had a lot of responsibility laid on me young. It’s hard to let go of the thought that if I quit, the world will bobble off its axis. This is not ego: It is repetitive labor, muscle memory. I have to remember to have fun. ~Baker
Naps. ~Duffy
A mistake you learned from.
In high school, my friends and I stopped being friends with someone because her sister did something scandalous. It was wrong. I think the mistake influenced me to do the hate work years later. [Balk founded HateBrakers.] I hadn’t realized that compassion was more important than being popular. ~Balk
Once, when I was on call in the Air Force, at about 2 a.m., a family came in for treatment who could easily have come during regular hours. I judged them. Not my job; I should have treated them without judging. Never happened again. ~Ortmeyer
We learn the most when we grow through experiences we would never want to bring on ourselves. That forces us to look deeper into what our values are and should be, and that is exactly the path to getting healthier. The big turning point for me was when I began studying personality in earnest, in the mid-’80s. One day, a colleague brought in the temperament profile from my personality test of her husband, a very successful, aggressive investment banker. I had just finished a personality study of a violent murderer—and the two profiles were the same. But one was extremely healthy and successful. I just put my head down. My God, I have made a huge mistake here. There must be other things I’m not measuring that make the difference whether you are healthy or not. And that is when I began studying character. ~Cloninger
In high school, I said something adolescent—thoughtless, flippant, rude, untrue—about a teacher I loved. She heard it through the grapevine. Instead of just remonstrating with me, she also confronted me—with forgiveness. I was so ashamed of myself that I could never have spoken to her again, but she spoke to me in honesty, telling me I had hurt her, then assuring me that she knew I would learn better. ~Baker
Something you learned the hard way.
A little time, flexibility and cogitation can ferret out an acceptable answer to almost any question ... from whether to sell your house, quit your job, shave your head and move to Borneo, or whether to have dinner at Spiro’s or reheat that dilapidated omelet from Tuesday morning. And Aristotle’s golden mean—finding the middle ground between two extremes — will usually illuminate your path, providing a reliable, neutral compass for whatever thicket you might be wandering through. The final call may annoy everyone involved, a tad, but only rarely is anyone genuinely pissed. And you could even blame that on Aristotle. ~Meyer
When I was young, I thought each trial was new, raw, unheralded, undeserved. Often, it was. I know now that I can live through almost anything—death, divorce, hunger, cruelty—because I have. I know that there are second chances. ~Baker
You can get a lot accomplished if you’re willing not to take the credit for it. A corollary: If you want power, give it to others. Control freaks actually control very little. ~Wolff
I really didn’t know until I was a grown woman and had the chance to travel that the majority of the world is brown. I felt better about myself after that. ~Haley
Nobody escapes the hard times and the losses. It’s how you manage them. Hiding under the bed doesn’t help. ~Mann
Something you believe wholeheartedly.
Afterlife. ~Duffy
When you die, you go into another world. You don’t disappear. My husband proved it to me. ~Bahrami
Things happen when it’s time. ~Baker
“There is more, much more, in this universe than meets the eye.” ~Schaeffer
This is a wonderful world. I believe in that, and I notice it. Many of us don’t take the time to notice it. ~Haley
Women, civil action, and democracy, in that order. Women, because history shows that an entire society benefits when women obtain economic power and education. Civil action, because citizen activism is the only force that can restrain despots. Democracy, because that’s the form of government that allows for checks and balances and restrains and controls government power. ~Johnson
Something you’ve done a 180 on.
God. ~Baker
America. I was always, in the beginning, so proud to be American. I would say, “America is different. They care about the rule of law.” Now I just say, “The whole world is the same.” America is a different place now. ~Bahrami
Well, I’ve turned around twice. When I was a boy, I was actually quite religious and thought about being a priest, but I wanted to get married and have children. And then, as I got very smart in high school and college, I thought science was where the facts were, and I became rather irreligious or skeptical. And then, as I progressed in my studies of human nature, I realized that science alone is pretty empty. ~Cloninger
What didn’t matter as much as you thought it did?
First impressions. ~Litz
A clean house. ~Duffy
When I was a teenager, it was so important what others thought of me—and now I don’t give a s—t. ~Lum
Race. Running for election, I was worried running in areas where there were no black people. After the election, I looked at the returns, and the places that I’d worked and made an effort to meet and engage the voters, I did really well, regardless of the racial composition, and in those where I didn’t exert enough effort, I did poorly. ~Wharton
What gets in the way of people being happy?
People thinking about themselves too much. ~Litz
Poverty, feelings of unworthiness, and loneliness. ~Ortmeyer
Lack of identifiable purpose. ~Wharton
Fear. Excessive desire. Self-doubt. ~Cloninger
Rich people are miserable because they want more and more, and then they get to a point where they don’t know what they want anymore. Poor people are unhappy because no matter how much they struggle, they cannot get anywhere. ~Bahrami
If you’re self-centered, you don’t have much of a chance to realize all the wonderful people around you. If you stick to yourself, you miss so much. ~Ortmeyer
Being too wrapped up in yourself. ~Litz
Pain. I say it stands for “Pay attention, idiot, now!” People pop a pill not to feel it, but pain is your body’s way of telling you something is not right. Most people are willing to not face it; they make up some excuse instead. ~Lum
It may sound trite, but keeping up with the Joneses. ~Wharton
Hate—which can go both ways, hating or being hated. Mistaking hate for power. ~Balk
What could heal the divisions in this country?
Compassion. ~Lum
Treating people with whom we differ, including political opponents, as friends. ~Danforth
If politicians and votes practiced listening, not just applause lines. ~Senturia
Make sure everybody is just thinking about America, and not Democratic versus Republican. You all know what kind of problems we have. If you care about this country, sit down and say, “What’s right to do?” You say, “Oh, I’m doing it for you”—no, you are not. You want to be senator.
Elect women. Hire women. Appoint women. Pay women. Believe women. Men: Stop raping us. Stop gaslighting us. Stop teasing us unmercifully. Stop being bozos and troglodytes. Stop lying. ~Baker
Patriarchy is ancient and has, over time, managed to destroy or contain any cultures that were not and are not patriarchal. White supremacy is younger and required the creation of a “white race” to excuse the subjugation of people of color. The gains of the feminist and anti-racist movements have created a backlash. It’s angry, and it’s violent. But we can overcome it by listening to women, especially women of color, by taking an active role in the resistance and by protecting and using our democracy. ~Johnson
There is so much fear and insecurity, and everyone is stressed. We are preying on the irrational desires of people to consume, and we have minimized the moral principles of simple cooperation. We have to rededicate ourselves to working together for a common public good. The question is, how do we motivate one another, because that is a staggering charge. It’s turning the whole world 180 degrees in terms of its values and priorities. But, you know, we have to. Otherwise, the human race will be extinguished. ~Cloninger
What could heal the divisions in St. Louis?
That Delmar Divide is the biggest. Getting to know people of different colors than you. It’s about race. ~Duffy
It’s a knee-jerk reaction that underprivileged people need more discipline, more policing, and more prisons. What is really needed is more people willing to love and support and mentor many of the young people who feel disenfranchised from society. There are no quick solutions. It has to be done on a one-by-one basis. ~Wharton
The divisions may have begun when the city divorced the county, but that needs to stop. No outside entity—corporate, entertainment, conservation—wants to deal with two parts of a whole. So grow up, St. Louis—and stop asking people what high school they went to. It’s not helping. ~Baker
Let the city back into the county. ~Litz
What’s the central flaw of human nature, the thing that holds us back?
Hubris. ~Duffy
Human beings who, when they are not comfortable with themselves, start thinking something outside themselves is wrong, instead of something inside. There are so many things people blame for their own shortcomings. ~Lum
People don’t risk what they want to achieve, because they are scared they are not going to make it. ~Bahrami
Why did we trash the planet?
Political paralysis in acting on good science, probably fueled by profit. ~Ortmeyer
Because we’re narcissists—and that’s being modeled for us everywhere. Our president has a limited vision of outcomes. ~Balk
We thought life would go on and never change. ~Litz
We accepted the notion that we were dominant. We lost humility. ~Cloninger
We trashed the planet because we could. In the ’50s, we trashed movie houses, throwing our popcorn boxes and soda cups on the floor where cigarette butts had been ground flat. Then, one day, that culture changed. I’m hoping that the same shift can occur on this earth. ~Baker
How do you define a good death?
A quiet one. ~Haley
One in which you are free of pain. Most people are not afraid of death; they’re afraid of the pain associated with death. ~Litz
As little suffering as possible. As little burden to others as possible—including crashing the economy by lingering when there’s no hope for a cure. ~Balk
Knowing you have done some good in this world. ~Ortmeyer
Having someone you love hold onto you as you leave the planet. ~Duffy
Having said what needed saying. ~Baker
One that comes after I have found opportunities to say “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “I’m sorry” to everyone who needs to hear those words from me. ~Schaeffer
How do you define a good life?
Someone said there are three kinds of people: rich people, poor people, and those who have enough. Having enough is good. And being able to open your heart to love. ~Balk
How do you fend off anxiety? Despair? Fear? Rage?
Oh, boy. This takes a whole bag of tricks. I’ve been filling it over the years. ~Schaeffer
For anxiety, I take a pill. Listen to Yo-Yo Ma. Have lunch with a friend. Despair, I kind of wait for it to go away. I read a poem, or I write a poem. Rage? I’m a girl of the ’60s. We thought we were going to change everything. End the war, fix civil rights, have equality for women. Now, I’m kind of stuck. I don’t know that I have the capacity to be a leader right now, because I don’t know what the hell to do. ~Balk
Anxiety? I just hop up and start doing something. Stop thinking about it. Fear? I can’t give up fear of clowns. They cover up what’s really true. ~Duffy
Anxiety? Vigorous exercise. Fear is best dealt with by confronting it. Invariably there are resources within oneself that will assist in conquering it. Yielding to fear compounds the fear and makes one less courageous. Anger? The nuns always talked about self-control. To allow one’s emotions to take over rational behavior evidences a reversion to a more primitive human behavior than what we expect from an advanced being. ~Wharton
Despair is an outlook of separation. We are thinking that we have to be in control, and we’re not. We’re more like sailboat captains, who can tack against the wind, rather than motorboat captains. Anger comes in part from fear, with the conviction that someone is keeping us from doing what we want to do. Part of what allows us to experience love, joy, hope, and faith is a sensitivity that can be hurt, and when our sensitivities are treated with cruelty, it’s hard to let go and remember who we really are. ~Cloninger
I don’t feel anxious or scared. But anger! Sometimes I get mad when people don’t do what they’re supposed to do. I drink a shot of bourbon and calm myself down, because I don’t want to say something I’ll be sorry for later. Anger destroys your mind and body. ~Bahrami
Why can’t we all get along?
We put too many things in front of us. You’re too fat, you’re too skinny, your hair is too curly, it’s too straight. Even people my age do that. All that judgment, instead of accepting people the way they are. We make life more difficult than it needs to be. ~Haley
Remember in Moonstruck, when Olympia Dukakis points out that men do stuff because they fear death? That may just be why we do everything. ~Balk
What causes hatred?
Being jealous of what others have and not appreciating what you have. ~Ortmeyer
Ignorance. Parents. Religious teaching, if it’s extremist. ~Litz
Hatred comes into the world through fear, through snake-low self-esteem, through misery. ~Baker
Religion. I respect all the religions; most of the people do the right thing. But thinking that your religion is better than the others, that brings hatred. I wish people would just do what they believe in instead of pushing it on other people. That would give us more peace. World peace, really. ~Bahrami
The secret of life?
My 82 years leave me with only one piece of advice: Pay attention. ~Barnes
