courtesy of Flickr: Tangolarina
When Jeff and his girlfriend started living together, their relationship was the strongest it had ever been. “Right off the bat, we fell in love. I got on a train to Chicago and we had an amazing adventure,” says the 25-year-old St. Louis native.
But after several years of courting, the relationship came to an abrupt halt—followed by a purge of all ex-girlfriend-related materials. Although Jeff got rid of most of the relationship evidence—cards, notes, clothes—hundreds of virtual reminders constantly flickered in his everyday life.
Pictures of his ex started popping up on his Facebook feed, along with status updates and tags from mutual friends. Soon, the pain became so unavoidable, Jeff requested that his ex block him on Facebook to stop him from looking her up online.
“I asked her to block me, because I just couldn’t control myself,” he says. “It was just too easy to do, and before I knew it, I was hurting all over again.”
At one time, the easiest way to break up might have been to stop communicating. But with today’s omnipresent digital information, is it still that simple?
“There are studies that have proven re-exposure to stimuli will prolong the suffering and grief,” says Jennifer Sicilian, a psychologist at the University of Missouri–St. Louis. “Every time you read that text or respond to that post, it’s like taking another dose of that drug.”
Part of the dilemma is that it’s now so much easier to keep tabs on someone. "Back in the day, you could drive over to their house; in that process, you may realize that you are taking it too far," says Sicilian. "Now, it’s just a bit of tapping on the keyboard, and you’re looking at what your ex ate for dinner that night.”
Resisting the temptation to look is what psychologist call response inhibition. “It’s a very hard skill to inhibit yourself from looking someone up,” says Sandra Langeslag, assistant professor of behavioral neuroscience at UMSL, adding that after emotional trauma, response inhibition typically weakens.
So what’s the best way to get over a breakup after a relationship has ended? “Cut off all ties,” says Sicilian. "If you can’t control yourself, block them or get off Facebook immediately. There’s nothing wrong with a little social cleansing every now and then.”
Even though Jeff felt devastated going on Facebook after his breakup, he believes there's an upside to staying connected.
“Social media is a good thing, too," he says. "You are able to look back and see how you got yourself out of a situation. When you think your screwed, go back on your timeline. You learn, ‘I’m not going to post that—that was so stupid.’”
Jeff plans to treat future relationships differently. “I’ll be more private," he says, "not exploit all these pictures and memories."
Follow Madeline Yochum on Twitter @madelineyochum or send her an email at myochum@stlmag.com. For more from St. Louis Magazine, subscribe or follow us on Facebook and Twitter.
