Department store counters and mall dressing rooms can turn into battlegrounds for parents and children who diverge on ideas about style and how much to spend on clothes and accessories. Some conflict is unavoidable, but both sides win when parents establish clear rules of engagement, says Jessica Kershenski, a licensed clinical social worker at Mercy Clinic Child and Adolescent Psychiatry in St. Louis.
Have a plan for the mall, she says. Establish a budget before leaving the house, and make sure your children know your standards and those of the school beforehand.
When it comes to budgeting, brand names can become a bone of contention. Kershenski advises caregivers to counsel kids that they don’t have to look like everyone else to be stylish. Another strategy is to splurge on a brand-name pair of shoes or jeans while sticking to the overall budget.
“So your other items are going to have to come from the sale rack here and there,” she says.
Kershenski says it might also be a good idea to let kids try on items rather than vetoing them outright. By doing so, children see for themselves why an outfit won’t pass muster on the playground or in the principal’s office. Even if there is no dress code at your child’s school, parents can still enforce their own standards.
“Know what your boundaries are,” says Kershenski. If showing the midriff is off the table, don’t be afraid to have that as a rule.”
Research shows that even young girls are pushing boundaries when it comes to clothes and makeup. A 2013 survey of girls between the ages of eight and 18 released by the Renfrew Center Foundation found that 65 percent of those who wore makeup started the practice between the ages of eight and 13, and 27 percent of those who wore makeup rarely, if ever, left the house without it. Kershenski says young teens dealing with their first blemishes might feel more comfortable wearing a little something, but it could be a good idea to visit a makeup counter where professionals can offer tips on how to achieve a natural, age-appropriate look.
“When it comes to full mascara, lipstick, the whole nine yards, I would ask, ‘Do we really need to wear all that to school?’ It’s really about being confident in their own skin, not needing that mask.”
Wearing heavy makeup and clingy or cutting-edge clothes can have negative developmental consequences for kids who might be mistaken for someone a lot more mature, Kershenski says. Kids can sometimes find themselves dealing with people and problems they aren’t emotionally prepared to handle.
“You want to encourage them and allow them to be their age,” she says. “Because you can really end up looking a lot older than you are.”
What’s more, recent research has also found people perceive preteen girls in sexualized clothing to be less competent, less moral, and less self-respecting than those who wear more childlike clothes. So, while parents and kids can often negotiate some compromises when it comes to brands, budgets, and clothes, Kershenski says adults need to make it clear to kids that people do judge them based on how they look—and not always by the way they think.
“You need to have some standards as a parent, and kids need to know where you draw the line,” she says.
