Most parents run out of patience very quickly. We think we are going to have all the patience in the world until we are confronted with a toddler who won’t sleep, a preschooler who won’t eat what you cook, a grade-schooler who won’t wear a coat, and a teenager who won’t do anything you ask.
As a parent, we grow up as our kids do. By this I mean that I am constantly learning through each age and stage.
I am worn out.
Recently, I decided to seek out friends who have older kids and survived intact. (I was having a very rough day.) When I asked my friend Sandye Muncy, “Could you tell me how you did it—raise kids and stay sane?,” she answered immediately and without thinking, “Patience.”
Sandye has three kids, two sons and a daughter Kelly, 31, who now has a toddler of her own. When I visited with Sandye and Kelly, the love between them was obvious.
It didn’t take Sandye long to let me know that things were not always this way between them. They hit rough patches during the teen years, especially when Kelly was faced with peer pressure in middle school. “Kelly was involved in so many activities all the time that it was overwhelming, and she was constantly struggling with who she was. It made for some tense times.” I asked how Sandye handled this.
“We always had open lines of communication. And it went both ways. If I said something that was wrong, I would apologize. Often, if Kelly said something hurtful, I would tell her (and all my kids) to be careful of what you say. Words can hurt. Kelly would always think about what she had said and would apologize.”
Ongoing dynamics as teens experiment, challenge, and learn prompts some parents to engage. Sandye’s advice: “Step back. Learn patience. It’s all going to work out. I will always be their parent, their mom, but I had to learn to breathe and know that this too shall pass. The biggest mistake it to get too caught up in the moment. Let your kids make choices even if you think it might be a mistake. It’s all part of growing up.”
I realize that our job as a parent is to plant the roots of stability while giving our kids the wings of independence. And I also know that I am not always as patient as I could be. Like Sandye, I trust my kids to do the right thing and make the right choices for themselves, but they are still adolescents and, as such, think like teenagers.
None of this is new. In fact, all of these are situations that parents have been negotiating with for decades. Sandye knows this and still says, “My job for so many years was being a present parent. And it was important to me to be the best parent I could be. I wanted good relationships with all my kids. And I have to say, patience did win it, because I feel that we do have a good relationship.”
I have a feeling that life in the Muncy household was noisy, chaotic, and fun. And I also have the feeling that Sandye was right there in the thick of it all.
There will always be battles fought, won, and forgotten. But if other parents can survive the teen years, then I can too—with a lot more patience.
