Almost everyone has the same experience in the beginning of their relationship, when desire and passion are strong. You can’t wait to see your partner, and you look forward to every interaction—especially the intimate ones. You spend time thinking about how wonderful your last encounter was and prepare for the next one.
Our passion and desire can decrease over time after we've been married for awhile. There are many reasons this happens, one being that we don’t spend the same amount of energy thinking about each other in the same way. Also, we spend so much time together that it's nearly impossible to long for the next interaction or encounter when our partner is in the next room, and we have spent every minute with him or her for the past few days cleaning the house, cooking dinner, parenting children, and so on.
We have to make the time to continue to flirt with each other and show each other affection verbally or physically throughout these mundane tasks. For example, whisper loving thoughts in their ear while he or she is cooking. Another way of maintaining desire is telling your partner what you really like, admire, and appreciate about them when you feel it. If you see your wife or husband being a caring and loving parent, you might say, “I really appreciate how loving and gentle you are with the kids. You’re a wonderful parent, and I’m so glad I married you.”
Women especially need emotional connection in order to be open to sexual connection with their partner. These small gestures can go a long way towards more intimacy in your marriage.
We must keep our sex lives interesting as well and avoid ruts. One way to do that is to explore each others' fantasies in your sex life. John Gottman’s app called Affection and Lovemaking by The Gottman Institute features ideas to help keep that pilot light of desire lit.
Christianne Judy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Gottman Therapist. She maintains a private practice in O'Fallon, Ill., and presents couples workshops in Missouri. To learn more about her, visit christiannejudy.com or stlouiscouplesworkshops.com.
