Our days fill up quickly with kids’ activities, work demands, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, exercise, or a combination of any of the above. When we do get a chance to do something else, we often try to squeeze in time with friends or extended family. Or, we may elect to do absolutely nothing. There are only so many hours in a day and so much energy to expend. Sound familiar?
Where does your marriage rank on your list of priorities? How much time and energy do you spend connecting with your spouse, talking, having fun and enjoying intimacy?
Imagine a large water pitcher in the middle of a table and small cups displayed around it. The water pitcher symbolizes your marriage. The cups symbolize other important areas or interests in your life. The pitcher needs to be filled first so that the water overflows into the smaller cups. When we spend our energy filling the smaller cups first, our marriages suffer.
I often hear one spouse say that they aren’t feeling as connected to their spouse as they’d like to. When that happens, ask your partner how you can help fill the water pitcher. Does your spouse need a date night, some time spent alone with you? Do they need you to have an important conversation with them about something in particular, or do they just want to know what you’re thinking and feeling? Whatever it may be, the marital pitcher needs to be filled first, before the rest of the cups get time and attention. I often tell the couples I see in my practice that too much of a good thing may still be too much. They might be spending a lot of time working out, volunteering, coaching their children’s sports etc. While these are all good things, if their marital pitcher isn’t filled first, that can be a problem.
If you find yourself struggling with this dilemma, look at your schedule and see what you can eliminate or change. You may need to set a day of the week where no other plans are made, and you can count on spending that time with your spouse. Most people tend to honor commitments they make to others.
How about making a time commitment to your spouse?
Christianne Judy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in couples therapy. She maintains a private practice in O'Fallon, IL with nine other practitioners at Counseling Associates of Southern Illinois. Judy is a Certified Gottman Therapist and a graduate of the Washington University George Warren Brown School of Social Work.
