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We were just sitting down to write a thoughtful piece on the perfect wine to pour grillside when there are burgers and brats a-sizzle. Summer is now upon us, which means we’ll be gathering about the grates, enjoying the perfume of charcoal-scented links and patties, and we were all set to inform readers of one of the best wines—and best buys—for the season. We were going to tell you all about the Caymus Vineyard Cabernet Sauvignon, the ’09, that is all berries and spice, a wine that is, unlike most California Cab Savs, far less tannic and lean, and just lovely with burgers or other meats that go nicely in buns, when we happened to become utterly distracted at seeing, right there on the Internet, news of—if this doesn’t convince you we live in a Golden Age, nothing will—the “Hands Free Whopper Holder.”
Oh, man. Look; big shout-out to Jonas Salk, over that polio vaccine. Mssrs. Kily and Joyce: many thanks for the microchip. But that stuff? All so 20th century. What mankind needs now, let’s be honest, is the kind of technology that allows us to ingest every last of the 670 calories in a Burger King Whopper without losing onto our greasy fingers a single of the 360 calories of fat that are nutritionally packed into it.
Come on. God and evolution have only provided us with two hands. You’ve got things to do. Driving and tweeting alone are going to use up your available resources. (Hint: There is a reason, though, the steering wheel is within range of your knee.) What, are you supposed to starve just because you’ve got to look for directions on your cell phone and make high speed multi-lane changes?
Heck no. And thanks to the same people who gave us that indescribably creepy giant headed king wandering around, you don’t have to.
All you have to do is strap on this high-tech feedbag, which comes, it appears, in only one color for the moment, lock and load in your Whopper, and dig in. Need to thumb out a critical text and monkey with the car stereo? Thanks to the Whopper Holder, finding the latest by Neutral Milk Hotel and that LOL reply don’t have to wait until you’ve polished off your main course. It’s multi-tasking, dude! Our favorite part of the commercial, by the way, which you can watch here:
is the guy who’s getting work done on his epidermis by a Whopper-munching tattooist. This should do much for the tattooing industry. “As you know, Madge, I’ve been a little leery of having that skull with flaming eye-holes tattooed on my neck. But hey, if the guy doing it is downing a Whopper at the same time, why, why the hell not?”
And you know what we’re thinking. The Hands Free Whopper Holder around your neck and one of those beer hats on your head, the kind with the straws that come down directly to your mouth. Then fill the containers on that chuggin’ chapeau with a little of that Caymus Cab.
