How do you tell guests that children aren’t allowed? Do so in multiple ways. First, the couple and immediate family should mention it at showers and engagement parties. Second, wedding websites are a great place to [note] it, too—simply saying it’s an adult reception is a tactful way to say it without saying, “We just don’t want kids.” Finally, when it comes to the invitations, how people address them is important. It should specifically say “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” and not a child’s name, or even the word “family.” Another step is to list on the RSVP card how many people they would like to see come; if it’s an invite for a couple, it would have a backslash followed by the number “2.”
What should the bride and groom do if they practice different religions? We usually try to find a way to make the ceremony all-encompassing. If a bride or groom wants a pastor from their church, we’ll have an honest conversation with that pastor. If the couple has a nondenominational officiant or friend or family member, then most of the time this person is looking for the couple to provide the language, the songs, the Bible verses, et cetera. In another case, we might have two ceremonies. Last summer, we had a wedding where the groom was Mexican and the bride was American; we had handcrafted Mexican bells that people rang as the bride walked down the aisle, but they were in a Baptist church. I think it’s about being mindful and sensitive.
What essential items should a bride pack? A second pair of shoes and a sewing kit. I also always tell brides that even though they’re going to get professional makeup done, they should have some of their essential everyday makeup products, just in case they get sweaty or it rains. Also, some items to freshen up, like body wipes and deodorant. And if they’re not going to have a wedding planner, Mom or the maid of honor needs to have double-sided tape, clear nail polish, and lip balm.
Is it appropriate to have the reception much later in the day than the wedding? If a couple is going to have a time gap between ceremony and reception, it needs to be more than two hours. If it’s just two hours or less, there’s not really enough time to get into anything. If it’s more than two hours, I don’t find the responsibility being on the couple to entertain guests. We’ll have couples do an early-morning or afternoon wedding and then maybe, for sake of venue, a later reception… If they have the ceremony in the country and the reception in the city, it’s nice to include on the wedding website a section of things to do or “things we love to do.”
Is it inappropriate to have a cash bar? It’s always nice to host. The problem with cash bars is when guests have no way to get cash, especially with barn weddings. If people are worried about that, I tell them to host wine and beer, with liquor for cash. People who drink liquor are often perfectly fine with buying it because they want a certain kind of drink; people who don’t will drink beer. Or some couples will start cocktail hour with a signature drink and one wine or beer; then, once dinner comes around, it’s all wines and beers. Once everyone is dancing, we add liquor—so we can do it in stages.
Is a wedding registry appropriate for someone who’s getting married a second or third time? It’s case-by-case. We’re doing more and more second marriages, and sometimes the first marriage ended in such a way that the person really needs a fresh start—and it truly feels like a first marriage. Many times, I let the couple dictate. In [some] cases, they can do donations to nonprofits in lieu of a registry. We’ve also had guests do cash contributions to the honeymoon, although I’d still recommend using a registry for things like showers.
How should brides and grooms navigate the seating chart when divorced parents are going to be in the same room for the first time in years? I act like they are completely different sides of the family. If Dad needs a whole table for his new wife and children and his parents, then Mom gets a whole table, too. It’s important to treat them equally. If both bride and groom have divorced parents, then on one side of the dance floor you might have the bride’s dad’s table and the groom’s dad’s table and on the other side the bride’s mom’s table and the groom’s mom’s table. At the ceremony, I use tradition as a default. Divorced parents just need to be told what’s going on beforehand; there are a lot of emotions, and they’re nervous already, so if they’re told that their seats will be separated at the ceremony with a buffer in between, they should be fine. We often run into a situation with the budget, too. Sometimes, if the bride’s father is paying for the whole thing, it can make Mom feel left out. In that case, I tell the bride to pick one thing that’s important to her mother—whether it’s flowers, the wine, or the dress—and then let her pay for that 100 percent, so she can own it.
