The movie is probably awful if:
The raving quotes (“The best horror comedy of the century!”) come from obscure newspapers or magazines. For instance, never trust a plaudit from the Freedom, Montana Bugle.
The movie claims to be a runner-up in any film festival you haven’t heard of –- particularly if “dance” is in the event’s title (“placed second in the Squaredance Film Fest”) or the award is self-negating (“named audience favorite in the Empty Theater Filmmakers’ Competition.”)
The movie brags that it was financed with a maxed-out credit card –- particularly a stolen one.
The raves sidestep any qualitative statement about the movie itself. For instance, if the cover boasts empty hyperbole like “Superb cast!” This offers no indication as to whether the stars are collectively good in the movie, or if they only look good on paper (specifically, the cover). Essentially, it’s akin to saying that if you take five strangers who are fun at parties separately and assemble them at a different bash, their aggregate presence automatically ensures that a fun time will be had by all (including the audience) – whether or not the party’s a wipe-out and the punch tastes like bathwater.
The case features an outlandish novelty, like a 3-D cover. Rule of thumb: The harder the cover tries, the more the movie fails.
It stars Corbin Bernsen –- particularly the post-hirsute incarnation.
The cover of a monster movie prominently features an artist’s rendition of the starring monster on the cover. This is an old trick, which usually indicates that the beast is too hokey to be photographed, and looks, at best, like an Ed Wood rubber squid.
The movie brags about its twist ending. Remember, 50% of the effectiveness of a twist ending is not knowing that it’s coming at all. Advertising a twist is like telling a friend to expect a surprise party –- but not what the cake will look like.
The movie was directed by a Tarantino other than Quentin (for instance, Wally or Irving Tarantino).
Aside from the Coens and Farrellys –- and sometimes including them -- be sure to avoid the modern cliché of brother directing teams. Until we get at least one sister duo behind the cameras, take a pass on the brethren.
Purchasing the movie entitles you to a free download of the sequel.
Among the bonus features are outtakes from the wrap party.
There is a lot of blood shown on the cover. The more blood that’s on the cover, the more lifeless the movie inside.
Jordan Oakes is a local journalist who has written for publications such as St. Louis Magazine and the Christian Science Monitor. He has strong opinions that begin to atrophy if he doesn't exercise his right to express them. Tune in every Wednesday for another installment of Mediatribe - and if you missed last week's post, click here.
