Even as a teenager, Jenney Egertson liked listening to people in their eighties: “They had such perspective.” So when she realized she was terrified of aging, of watching her body fall apart over the next three or four decades, of becoming less attractive and less visible, she decided to interview wise women who’d already sailed past 80.
“I talked to these fabulous examples of women who had just gotten beyond it,” she says. “It wasn’t an issue.” Not one of them gave a hoot, any longer, about appearance. They’d even brokered peace with illness and infirmity. One woman told Egertson calmly, “The body deteriorates. I face it.”
Hungry for more insight, Egertson continued to listen. The result is her first book, Before I Leave: Wisdom from the Stories of Six Women Over Eighty.
Influenced by the era that shaped them, the women talked about the years when “being perfect meant having a perfectly clean house,” and how they wished they’d found more time for play. “They were all in pretty traditional marriages,” Egertson says. “Some of them loved being married; others didn’t. But divorce—or even working through some of the issues—was not something they would have considered. Several said, ‘I wish I would have been able to express some of my feelings.’” They had strong personalities, tightly contained—by families, by religion, by the expectations of life under patriarchy.
“That’s under patriarchy,” she adds, making sure I’ve got it right. “Women live under patriarchy, and that is reinforced every day. And many women still believe they are safer under patriarchy, and that is just not true.”
She was shocked by what either was commonplace or went unspoken when her subjects were younger: “Maude had worked as a drafter during World War II, yet as soon as the war was over, it was OK for men to just say, ‘Go home.’ It was OK for men to harass her and make fun of her. And child abuse or neglect? That was something kept in the family.”
By the same token, Egertson realized the value, which we’re fast losing, of spiritual community in their lives: “The women who lived the longest were the women who had a great faith. Sadie was 103. Hallie was 99. She lived in a black farming community, and their life revolved around the church. My grandmother, I don’t think she would have made it without her faith. Her relationship with Jesus kept her going; it kept her alive when she had meningitis. Church was a place where women could escape home chores and husbands, collaborate, lead. It fostered creativity. We really are losing that.”
As she wrote, Egertson was reading The Blue Zones, in which Dan Buettner studies the places where people live longest. “They all are part of a community,” Egertson says, “connected to all generations. They all have a purpose that is acknowledged within that community for their entire life. They get up and move around every day, whether they are tending the garden or watching the babies. It’s about how they see themselves but also how the culture sees them.”
In her research, Egertson came upon a survey in which experts who work with the elderly saw aging as a way to continue to contribute, but “the American public saw aging people as a drain on their resources or their time. They also saw the elder as ‘other,’ which is disturbing, given that the need to belong is a very important part of being human.
“I was in crisis—and didn’t know I was about to jump into even more crisis—when I started writing this book,” Egertson says. “I needed these women. I will never stop looking for connection with my elders—until I’m the eldest—and for connections with the youngest. I believe it’s critical for our survival.”
