Oh yes, girls, that time has come again—time to don a swimsuit. You may have put last year's away, bathing in the warm flush of confidence that came from a summer of swimming and sun. Well, that same swimsuit that was your friend has turned against you over the last few months, waiting to spring out from the closet and do everything it can to crush your spirit. Do not let it! You can, and will, be friends again, but you need a little swimsuit therapy.
Step 1: Do not try anything on in the presence of overhead fluorescent lighting. This is the most important one of all because bad dresing room lighting can make even the most luscious of hardbodies tuck their proverbial tail between their legs and run away whimpering. Evening is best—Target is worst. If you must try on in a poorly lit dressing room, please squint.
Step 2: Shave. Shave everything. Shave the knuckles on your hands. Excess body hair might be attractive to a male Yeti but it will only make you look bad to guys and invite nasty comments from even the best of friends. I can only imagine what my friend, Jill, would say if I showed up in a bikini and had not done proper body hair control.
Step 3: Try on every style of swimsuit they have, even if you think it is not for you. My experience working with vintage clothing for years has led me to belileve, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you have no idea what is "you" until you have put on everything that is "not you." I never thought A-line was for me until I met that one Bonnie Cashin skirt. Now it is the most flattering thing I wear. Who knew? Try on a halter maillot. Try on a ruffled bikini. Try it all!
Step 4: Do not shop with your mother. Or grandmother for that matter. Family members, unless one of yours just happens to be Goldie Hawn or Cher, are prone to steer you toward those swimsuits that are bascially dresses with silly little pleated skirts that float around you in the water like sheets of colored seaweed. A bathing suit is glorified underwear and no extra amount of fabric is going to cover up anything. Go for it—be half naked. It's summer.
Step: 5 Lean forward. Get the girls tucked in and lean forward, bend down, touch your toes. If you have a wedgie or find yourself tucking an entire left breast back into a top because it doesn't fit, think of what could happen with one good wave. Do you want to expose yourself on a public beach with little boys building sand castles staring at you?
Step 6: Take a deep breath and get out there. If you have a bathing suit you think is cute and it basically fits you, stop worrying about whether you measure up against celebrity bodies. You are not being trailed by paparazzi—your photo will not show up on your local paper's front page; "Cellulite Monster Washes Ashore on Banks of Missouri River". You will be so happy to be cool when every other uptight-about-her-body woman wouldn't dare be seen in a swimsuit that none of it will matter and your enemy will once again be your best summer-y friend. And if all else fails, my friend Kristin says, "tan cellulite=muscle." Words to live by.
