By George Mahe
Chris Hoel is in a class almost by himself. Lead instructor and co-founder of the St. Louis Wine Clinic—not to mention sommelier at Monarch—he is one of two locals to have earned the coveted “advanced sommelier” certificate, and he’s preparing for the intensive “master sommelier” examination. (To put that in perspective: Since 1977, just 142 sommeliers in the world have earned that distinction.)
Hoel also has a flair for the absurd. His vivid descriptors have earned him a reputation for keeping things interesting in the classes he teaches, but he says he’s just trying to open minds. “If I say I’m getting a bit of Grandma’s sweater or Bazooka bubble gum or Twizzlers, it does several things: It broadens and educates the palate, and it maintains interest,” he says. “When I tell a group of women that a simple but stylish wine is ‘like a Nine West that thinks it’s a Jimmy Choo,’ they get it, and they keep listening—and learning.” With that in mind, we probably shouldn’t have been surprised that a simple request for some winter wine suggestions netted us these off-the-wall adjectives.
Pierre Peters Le Mesnil-Sur-Oger MV: “Holy bubbles! This wine exudes sex! Flavors of Mom’s fresh bread and a pack of Twizzlers with a hint of smoky barrel and chalkboard eraser.”
Hundred Acre Gold: “The taste of ripe summer peaches starts to remind me of Froot Loops and a snow cone on a hot summer day as the wine melts over your palate and down your throat before you can get all your licks in.”
Broadley Vineyards Estate Pinot Noir: “Ripe, lightly smoked Bing cherries and blueberries—sort of reminds me of a gay disco with all this fruit dancing around wrapped in leather.”
Telmo Rodríguez Basa Blanco: “A blend of Sauvignon Blanc, Viura and Verdejo, with flavors of pears and limes. It has a nice nose of fresh-cut grass and a flowery perfume that reminds me of Grandmother—only younger and hipper.”
Gougenheim Otono: “This is the next best thing to edible underwear and larger drive-thru liquor stores. Massive dark fruit of blackberries and smoked meat with a nose that reminds me of a guy that would kick sand in your face and steal your girlfriend all in one fell swoop. On the palate, it’s quite different, with medium-bodied fruit and superpolished tannins with ripe blueberries and sweet pipe tobacco with hints of street tar and railroad ties.”
