Photograph by Kevin A. Roberts
Yes, people still get singing telegrams. About eight times a month, Elizabeth Lakamp (314-313-7746, entertainmentbyelizabeth.com) dresses in a memorable costume (e.g., as a French maid, a nurse, an elf, a gorilla…), hits play on her trusty boombox, and serenades St. Louisans in style. Her repertoire runs the gamut: country, Broadway, patriotic numbers, get-well-soon messages, “Love Will Keep Us Together” for Valentine’s Day… It’s all in good fun—except that everyone thinks she’s a stripper.
In Her Words…
Most people think I’m there to strip—I’m not. I have to set them straight right away. Some guys automatically sit on their hands when I walk into the room, and I say, “That’s not necessary.”
When I show up, I have the recipient wear a goofy hat and put feather boas on him. Sometimes I do a "reverse Marilyn"—by the end of the telegram, they are dressed as Marilyn Monroe with a wig and dress. I teach them how to stand over the imaginary grate with the air rushing up. Mostly I do that with men to embarrass them more.
I try to just be myself. But people want me to be Marilyn and other characters. I’ve been a French maid, a nurse, an elf, even a gorilla. You cannot sing in a gorilla costume, it’s completely restrictive.
At one point, I bought an ad in the phone book, and instead of putting me under singing telegrams, they put me under “escort services.” I never paid that bill.
I tell people the latest I’ll do it is at 9 p.m., and honestly, after that hour people have been drinking enough that I don’t want to put myself in a situation that could be uncomfortable.
Each time I do it, there’s an actual telegram—a simple “Happy Birthday” note or a poem on card stock. It gets left with a balloon bouquet tied to a candle or a stuffed animal. I like to make them promise to suck out the helium from the balloon and then talk dirty to someone later.
I try to make it personal. I don’t want to just knock on a door and sing and leave. I send out questions about the recipient to make it personalized.
I also do a children’s show, variety shows for seniors, voice-overs, and I’m a wedding singer.
I used to resist doing singing telegrams, but then I gave in. Now I like them just fine. Everyone deserves a singing telegram at least once in their life.
I usually get asked to stay for cake, but I don’t. I just burned those calories off; I’m not gonna put ’em right back on!
I really work with people to sing a song they’ll like. I can do country or Broadway or whatever. For Valentine’s Day I often do “Love Will Keep Us Together.” Sometimes the telegram is light, sometimes it’s romantic. I also do a get-well-soon telegram, and I sing “Sunny Side of the Street” or “When You’re Smiling,” and try to get them to sing along with me, and I wear a perky yellow dress. I also do “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” and “Chattanooga Choo Choo” in a medley of patriotic numbers for vets. I wear a shiny red, white, and blue vest.
They all include an additional song, and we all sing happy birthday together at the end. Well, that’s everything $99 and above. The $89 version is a little less personal.
I have been asked to do a “make-up telegram” after a fight—an “I’m-sorry telegram.” I did it for a woman alone at her house. I came in and sang her a song and read the message to her from her boyfriend. That was a little awkward. She didn’t cry or anything; she was numb by that point.
A woman hired me to do a song for a family birthday party, and there were seven brothers there. Their chairs were all next to each other and I got passed down the laps of all seven guys. That was pretty wild. My boyfriend usually goes with me. I remember looking over at him like, “Holy crap!” and he was just laughing. He’s not always the best bodyguard.
A guy called me a few weeks ago and wanted me to do one just for him. No, thank you. That’s awkward.
A lot of times, people are great comedians and with their responses to the song, they make it even funnier than I do. One guy a few weeks ago was a drinker—he was not at all reserved like I had been warned he would be. That was a great one.
I had one guy who was so embarrassed by me he refused to quit eating his dinner and would not turn around. He was so embarrassed. I told him I’d do the telegram wherever he wanted. He just kept eating and trying to ignore me.
