It used to be easy—you opened her backpack, pulled out the homework and helped get her started. You called her friends’ parents and scheduled a play date. You picked her up at 3 o’clock and took her to dance class or soccer. But now she’s getting ready for private high school. What’s your role? Should you stand back and watch her walk out the door and hope it all goes OK?
Of course not. While your child will be the one making the change, she can’t do it alone. And while starting any high school is a major experience, starting a private high school can raise specific challenges. Conversations with students, parents and teachers reveal the three areas in which your child might need the most help transitioning.
New Academics
Freshman year at a private school, particularly an academically selective one, can feel grueling to a 14-year-old for whom getting A’s has always been easy. This can be especially true for a student transferring from a public grade school. Emmi Clark, a Rosati-Kain freshman who attended Compton-Drew ILC Middle School, admits, “I never really had to try to get a good grade before, but now I really have to work hard.”
From the school’s perspective, this is its opportunity to cultivate the new student into a hardworking and independent scholar. This often means both piling on the homework and loosening the parameters of when and how it should be done. This can send some kids into a panic and others into slacker mode. Neither is helpful. Be sure to keep up communication with your child and consider implementing planning or scheduling tools that will help everyone stay abreast of assignments and major deadlines. Rosati-Kain principal Sr. Joan Andert points out that many private schools provide planners—or assignment books—to their students. If your child’s doesn’t, such a tool would be a worthwhile family investment. Helping her learn to manage her time effectively now will help her for the rest of her life.
Assuming your child is dealing with an increased workload, you might cut her some slack on duties she’s been handling around the house. “My daughter Jennifer used to wash the dishes every night and help with the laundry,” says St. Louis mother Susana Carrillo. “But now that she’s at Nerinx, she has three hours of homework every night. So her sister and I have taken over her chores.” Chances are, she can start doing them again sophomore year.
New Friendships
As far as your high schooler is concerned, making cool and interesting new friends is the most important part of this whole transition. This can feel scarier in private school for two reasons, says Sr. Andert: The school is usually smaller, and most freshmen went to different grade schools and so have less of a chance of knowing each other. While these two factors can actually turn out to be an advantage—everyone’s on a level playing field—students will likely not see it this way initially. Encourage your freshman to try out for at least one extracurricular activity. “It’s easier to strike up a conversation with someone who is also hoping to get on the volleyball team,” says Annie Hafner, Rosati-Kain’s director of recruitment, “than the person you know nothing about in homeroom.”
Another idea to float to your freshman: He doesn’t have to decide right away who will be his new best friend or even in his new group. He just needs to meet lots of people, explore friendships that feel right and remember that each year—and each semester—is filled with new activities that will bring him side by side with new potential pals.
New Identity
Your child is beginning the long process of figuring out who he is and how much responsibility he can handle. Sr. Andert says that it’s important for the students to have enough distance from home to learn new skills and lessons on their own. “I always tell parents, ‘I promise we won’t let your child starve,’” she says. “It’s important for the students to learn that Mom won’t always be there.”
In addition, encouraging your child to explore new interests can help her deal with blows to the ego that might come from being in a selective school. Maybe your child was a soccer star and decided on CBC for its great soccer team. What happens if he doesn’t make the cut? “It’s really important for a freshman to branch out and try new things,” insists Jim Ford, principal of St. Cecilia. “If one thing doesn’t work out, they’ve got something else in the wings. And maybe it will be something they had no idea they would like so much.”
Ken Luecke, assistant principal for student services at De Smet, agrees that it’s critical for students to get involved from the beginning. “Being open to growth is one of our goals for each of our students, but particularly for our freshmen,” he says. “We ask them to try new things like clubs, athletic teams and a variety of activities. We want to offer students as many opportunities as we can for them to get engaged in life and to learn about who they are—to learn both their strengths and weaknesses. If one area doesn’t fit their interests or work out, we tell our guys to try another. These experiences help a new identity to unfold.”
One Teen’s Opinion
We dropped in on one current high school senior—St. Louis University High’s Jack Dryden—and asked how he’d advise eighth-graders.
- “Get to know your school right away, or you’ll run into problems. Like, I found biology no problem first day. Second day, I couldn’t find it, but I’d heard that seniors were telling freshmen all the wrong directions if they asked, so I followed this kid around who had a biology book. Turned out he was going to his locker, so I felt pretty stupid. The next day I walked from class to class with my schedule in hand before school started. Kind of nerdy, but helpful.”
- “I tried to join a lot of extracurriculars, but I got in over my head. Like Circus Club and Prep News and our radio station and the Shakespeare Competition. I couldn’t keep up with it. It is a good way to meet people, and it’s a good way to find out what you are into. The problem is, freshman year you don’t know who you are enough to know who you are going to have stuff in common with. That’s why it’s kind of good to stick to grade school ties, too, so you’ll know you have something to do on the weekends.”
- “You don’t have to try to blend in, but don’t try to look artistic by growing your hair way out till it’s bigger than your head. It will give you away. In fact, try not to limit yourself in any way, like by establishing yourself as firmly counterculture or something. It’s not that people won’t get it; they’ll just think you’re standoffish.”
- “If you’re a freshman and you need help with something, you should ask for it. Probably from faculty. Carrying 800 pounds of books around is kind of inevitable. Eventually, though, you learn routes between classes where you can stop at your locker.”
- “Learning teachers’ names is important. I called a teacher the wrong name. Everyone laughed at me, and they still talk about it. So check the name on the door.”
