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Is the mustache on the verge of a River City renaissance?
By Matthew Halverson
Furry-lipped men of St. Louis, rejoice. Your days of being marginalized and mistaken for members of the porn industry are over. The St. Louis–based American Mustache Institute is fighting for your right to wear
lip hair with pride.
OK, the AMI isn’t a real institute, but it is a group of hirsute St. Louisans with a passion for ’staches and enough free time on their hands to organize ’Stache Bash 2007 on August 4 at Al Hrabosky’s to honor the most maligned of facial-hair formations.
“We think there’s been a fundamental bias against the mustached American for a quarter of a century,” says AMI “executive director” Aaron Perlut, with a healthy helping of irony. “We want to bring the ’stache back.”
So does the Current, and that’s why we’re calling on the following local bare-faces to lead the charge and grow the lip warmers we’ve suggested. We’re throwing down the gauntlet, gentlemen (and lady). Get growing.
Larry Conners
Not that the 30-year news vet is coming up short in the gravitas department—don’t even pretend that his baritone doesn’t mesmerize you—but imagine how much a bushy Ron Burgundy–style ’stache could amp up the KMOVer’s “serious anchorman” quotient.
Gov. Rod Blagojevich
This one has a purely practical purpose: The debonair Illinois Democrat has quite the coif, but it creates, umm, a bit of a rotunda up top. This simple chevron could help balance things out a little and keep the governor from getting a tad one-sided.
Tony La Russa
For a guy with a reputation as the thinking man’s manager and—dare we say it?—the mastermind of the Major Leagues, La Russa is sorely in need of a good ‘stache to stroke as he plots his next move. May we suggest a well-waxed Rollie Fingers for extra twisting fun?
Scott Spiezio
The Cardinal-red soul patch was a nice novelty—and quite the good luck charm—during last season’s World Series march, but in case you haven’t noticed, it ain’t getting the job done this year. It’s time to take it to the next level and complete the look with a thin red Errol Flynn.
Mayor Francis Slay
This one’s a little trickier. At first blush, any kind of facial hair would seemed out of place on Hizzoner’s baby face, but the more we thought about it, a couple of styles started to grow on us. For starters, a well-manicured pencil mustache might help him build a little street cred with the hipster crowd he’s trying to lure downtown to the loft district. And a healthy handlebar might intimidate the Board of Alderman. But then there are those who think he’d be a natural for a sweeping Snidely Whiplash ...
Bernie Miklasz
The biggest—and most influential—mouth in St. Louis sports deserves a big Wilford Brimley to match. And it could work to the Post-Dispatch columnist’s advantage in the locker room: Embattled athletes and coaches will be too distracted by its sheer size to concentrate on forming diplomatic answers to his probing questions.
Virginia Kerr
Only a woman brave enough to lace up some skates and file a report live from roller derby practice with the Arch Rival Roller Girls could attempt to grow a Fu Manchu like this. And this just in: The KMOV hottie would still look pretty fine.
