Whether you’re the bride, the groom, or a guest, weddings take a good measure of grace…and some consideration of etiquette. While on the surface, marriage might seem pretty straightforward—just find a quality human being with whom to grow old, someone who will always have your back, and then marry them—a lot of other issues can come into play.
Take the engagement ring. In the U.S., a diamond ring has become the de facto standard for betrothal—but that “tradition” is only about 80 years old. Yet many insist on bling to signify engagement. While a diamond isn’t going to do you any favors in life, it does send subliminal messages about the alleged quality of the groom. That may have more to do with the sheer cost of a sizable diamond than anything else, though. The upshot? It’s completely fair game to forgo diamonds. Consider looking to actual cultural traditions for inspiration, from Judaism’s unbroken band, symbolizing eternal union, to Irish claddagh rings or European interlocking rings.
Then there’s wedding planning. Lucky is the guy or gal who finds someone whom the in-laws adore and who wants nothing more than a Vegas elopement. The rest of you will likely endure a yearlong marathon of tasting catered food, reviewing floral themes, and just plain buying a lot of things. (Google “decision fatigue.”) Compromise is crucial. If she wants a big wedding and he wants it small, go medium.
Who does what, who pays for what—and who gets decision-making power—are all matters of etiquette. In the often woman-dominated world of wedding planning, for instance, a lot of guys feel pressure to please their wives-to-be, but they’re not always sure where to begin. Chef and event planner Jennifer Hicks has noticed a lack of input from the boys. “Most men are pretty quiet. Some don’t even speak at all!” she quips. “I think most do want the bride to just get what she wants. Sometimes when they’re asked a specific question, mostly about food, they’ll offer opinions. Otherwise, they’re just out of their elements.”
Chalk it up to cultural norms—most guys haven’t spent years obsessing about whether they’d wear a Monique Lhuillier or Vera Wang gown or buy invitations locally or online. For guys or gals, focusing on your personal sphere of interest is a lot easier. So let that, rather than notions of who traditionally “should” plan things, dictate your division of labor. If she has an artistic vision for the big day and he’s just envisioning potential lines of battle in the seating chart, a clear way of divvying things up emerges.
Speaking of family, let your in-laws be involved, but know when to say when. Maria Everding, St. Louis’ first lady of etiquette, notes, “I might listen graciously to suggestions, but trust me, I would do exactly what I wanted to do. Listen, smile, and then do what you choose, especially if you are footing the bill!” Traditionally, the bride’s family often pays for the wedding, the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner, and the groom covers the honeymoon—but cultural and familial traditions may differ. One way or another, monetary contributions typically impart some influence. “If someone else is paying for it, then you have to let them have a say,” says Everding.
At some point, you will face unexpected glitches. The trick is handling them with grace—especially when the problems are interpersonal, like out-of-control kids or unruly relatives. “The reception is for the bride and groom and their parents, really,” says Katherine Byer, co-owner of Junior Assembly Cotillion. “Given the anticipation, the planning and the cost, you want it to be a day you’ll never forget, but not for the wrong reasons. I would talk to your friends with young children and make sure they have a plan B—a family member or a babysitter on standby who can take them from the reception if necessary.” Everding echoes this sentiment when it comes to, say, grown-ups bathing in your champagne fountain: “I would ask a close friend to make sure that person doesn’t get any more to drink and that someone will take him home.”
Above all, a wedding is about two people beginning a life of love and partnership together. How well it works out in the long run is not about the ceremony, the reception, the dress, or your hair. “Don’t be so stuffy—make the party fun and remember the funny stuff,” says Hicks. “People should focus on the marriage and not the one-day party.” These will be the moments you’ll think of in both mirth and misery, so keep in mind that your goal is to be happily married—regardless of how it all goes on your big day.
