Illustration by Jane Sanders
With the recent glut of television makeover shows that redo everything from sagging eyelids to dilapidated solariums, it’s easy to start believing that you need an expert to change just about anything in your life. But the most extreme thing about making yourself over is that you can do it on your own. Living your best life doesn’t mean having someone come in to criticize everything you’re doing and whip your worthless butt into shape. It just means letting us tell you how to do it. Ahead, you’ll find tips for self-improvement that will guide you through your past, present and future. You’ll be forced to ask the tough questions and make some hard decisions, but you’ll be glad you came. If you’re not ... it might just be time to apply for one of those makeover shows after all.
Putting the past in order
Sometimes, figuring out where you’re coming from is the first step toward improving your life. This may sound like a how-to from the New Age, but, visionquests and mantra chanting aside, researching your personal history and conserving its artifacts will tie up the loose ends you’ve been tripping over for years.
Climb the family tree. The pictures on your wall don’t tell the full story of who you are. As far back as those portraits go, there’s always a longer tale to tell. According to Cynthia Millar, the genealogy librarian at the Saint Louis Public Library (1301 Olive, 314-241-2288, www.slpl.lib.mo.us/libsrc/h&gdept.htm), people research their past in order to learn where they came from, what their family members may have contributed to this country and where they came from originally. This is most easily accomplished, she says, by starting with yourself and working backward.
“Don’t try to go several generations back and link yourself to someone famous, because you might be going down the wrong family tree,” says Millar. “Start with your parents, then grandparents, then great-grandparents and so on—and talk to your older relatives as soon as you can.” You’ll be able to make charts and albums that narrate the chronicle of your relations, Millar says. Plus, you’ll have some thoughtful (albeit time-consuming) holiday gifts for years to come.
Shoo the ghosts from the attic. It isn’t just your pictures that tell a story. The walls they’re on have a tale to tell, too. Edna Gravenhorst owns a historical home research company called 3 Nosey Broads (314-762-9192, www.3noseybroads.com). She says knowing the history of your abode can be an emotional experience that connects you to past owners and ties you to the place where you live.
If you’re interested in digging, there’s a series of steps to follow. The first, Gravenhorst says, is to conduct a deed transfer search at City Hall (1200 Market, 314-622- 4610). Next, look for original building permits. With this information, you can go to the main library and, if your house was built after 1891, discover your house’s original architect and builder. After that, visit the Missouri Historical Society (Lindell and DeBaliviere, 314-746-4599, www.mohistory.org) and look in old city directories to see what the past owners did for a living. Census records will tell you who lived in the house during each owner’s tenure. You might also find biographies and obituaries that will give you a richer picture of their lives. “A lot of the information you’ll need is housed right there in the main library downtown and in the Missouri Historical Society,” Gravenhorst says. “You won’t have to do very much running around.”
And when you’re working on improving your life, saving time is always a good thing.
Preservation's not just for jam. The accumulation of “stuff” over the years is inevitable. Sometimes it’s critical—citizenship papers or marriage licenses. Sometimes it’s sentimental—photographs and love letters. In either case, it’s up to you to organize and safeguard it. Local preservation expert Richard Baker (1712 S. Big Bend, 314-781-3035, www.richardcbaker.com) says that with a little forethought you can avoid having to pay him, or someone like him, to restore your things.
“I try to use the analogy of storing fruits and vegetables,” he says. “We used to put them in root cellars; now we put them in refrigerators. The point is, you need a cool, dark, dry environment.” What you store your valuables in also makes a difference. Remove newspaper clippings from old books; the acid will turn your pages brown. Store your treasures in acid-free or neutral folders or archival sleeves; the adhesive on the plastic in “magnetic albums” will eat right through the photographs.
Your antiques also need to be cared for, or all you’ll have to pass down to future generations will be stories of your inadequacy as a conservator. Most often, antiques are destroyed by excessive ultraviolet light, moisture, fluctuations in temperature, environmental contamination, the teeth of rodents and bugs and your own greasy hands. When you clean, wear white cotton gloves to keep the natural oils on your hands from staining the items. Outwit the forces conspiring to trash your treasures.
Improving the present
When it comes to improving your life in the now, often the intention’s there but a packed schedule and endless obligations prevent any progress. Making the firm decision to change may be the hardest—but most important—part, says one expert.
“People are often stuck in one perspective,” says Fran Lang, a life coach who works from the Center for Mind, Body & Spirit (314-787-8171, www.franlang.com). “It’s like standing at the rear of an elephant and not being able to see the sides, so you decide that ‘elephant’ equals two legs and a tail.”
Altering the way you think about your everyday life often makes all the difference.
Pinch your pennies. It starts with a leaky roof. Then the kids need new Little League uniforms and the family pet suddenly has a stomach condition that requires specialty food shipped in from Provence. The next thing you know, the family vacation to Disney World becomes a road trip to Silver Dollar City.
Let’s face it: Even if money doesn’t buy happiness, it sure brings sanity. When you’re not paying attention, cash disappears at an exponential rate. Luckily, there are many things you can do just once—or at least not that often—that can help you save for your dream retirement house in the mountains of North Carolina.
Combat gas prices without participating in the nationwide station strikes you’re always hearing about in those e-mail forwards: Go online and research where to find the cheapest gas in your area (www.fuelmeup.com). Not only do you get to stick it to The Man, you also save a couple of dollars along the way. And reconsider your car insurance: Did you take the time to research where you’d get the best rates? If not, do it (www.fastquote.net/home-St.LouisMO.html).
Now, clip coupons! You might feel like your grandma, but taking the time when you read the Sunday paper or get those booklets in the mail can save tens of dollars in the store. Also, have an energy audit of your home conducted (www.ameren.com). Figure out how much electricity you’re using and learn how you can conserve.
Speaking of bills, when you’ve paid those off and eliminated your debt—except for your tax-deductible home mortgage—start thinking about investing your money. According to Julie Niemann, an investment consultant with R.T. Jones (314-783-5000, www.rtjones.com), getting out of debt requires giving up your trusted credit cards and making key financial decisions. Start by getting your credit report (www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pubs/credit/freereports.htm). Then, she says, “make sure you contribute, right up to your pain threshold, to your 401(k). And get the Roth IRA, which is free money from the government. Also, make sure you have an emergency fund. For an individual, it should be about $5,000 and, for a family, close to $10,000.”
With those measures taken, it’s time to consider investing and building a portfolio that reflects what’s important to you.
Channel Martha. You may find yourself watching Martha Stewart, wondering whether anyone in her right mind would do the “good things” she does. But sometimes being anal-retentive can be the best prevention for headaches yet to come. Around your house, think about the roadblocks that stop you in your tracks and find ways around them.
- Find out what locks your spare keys unlock, and label them.
- Organize your emergency phone numbers.
- Organize all the manuals and maintenance schedules for your appliances, and write down what size batteries and light bulbs each takes.
- Buy minicans of paint for all of your walls in case touch-ups are required.
- Clean out your basement and garage in a way that will prevent the mess from coming back with a vengeance: Install shelving and don’t look back!
And then there are those chores that let you live to improve your life another day:
- Check for traces of radon (St. Louis County Health Department, 111 S. Meramec, fifth floor, 314-615-8324).
- Test your water (St. Louis Testing Laboratories, 314-531-8080, www.labinc.com/environ.htm; City of St. Louis Water: 314-868-5640 x221, www.stlwater.com/quality.html).
- Make sure that your smoke and carbon monoxide detectors are working.
Clear out the "communications clutter." With all of its advancements, the modern age has brought a lot of annoyance. Between the ring of your cell phone and the chime of your e-mail, technology constantly bombards you. The key to silencing this mechanical mayhem is pretending that it’s not there.
“A little noise is fine because it evens out the auditory environment,” says Dr. Bill Clark, director of audiology and communications sciences at Washington University School of Medicine. “It’s a lot of noise that disrupts people’s quality of life. Reduce the annoyance by making the noise invisible.”
Clark recommends masking distracting noises with music or a white noise playing faintly in the background. This small amount of noise is often what prevents infrequent sounds from making us twitch. He also recommends putting mouse pads under loud kitchen appliances, such as the blender, and nailing down creaking floorboards and opting for carpet. Noise, he says, is just “unwanted sound.”
But what about the noises we can’t ignore? Cell phones and e-mail are virtually inescapable, and the feeling of constantly being connected is enough to make you want to strangle yourself with the phone cord. Learn to understand when an emergency is an emergency, says Mike Bogus, president of Software Assistants (314-965-7500, www.theitfolks.com). Leave your work at the office and figure out a way to compartmentalize your tasks.
“Very few people are so important that answering an e-mail or phone call immediately will make a difference,” says Bogus. “Identify a time when you will return phone calls and e-mails and stop feeling like you have to do it right away. You may be able to contact people instantaneously, but that doesn’t mean you have to get back to people instantaneously.”
If you’re really that busy, he adds, then you shouldn’t be answering the phone or your inbox every time they go off, anyway. We make our own distractions, Bogus observes, and we can suppress them if we so desire. Other ways to free yourself from “communications clutter”: Place your land-line and cell-phone numbers on the state "Do Not Call" Registry (www.ago.state.mo.us/nocalllaw/nocalllaw.htm); unsubscribe from e-mail listservs you don’t want; remove yourself from mailing lists for catalogs you don’t read. You’ll be amazed at the clarity that comes with conquering technology—and you may even remember what you did without it.
Remember your mind and body. If you’re making all these changes and still attending to your actual life, you may get lost in the jumble. Buy a planner, get your life down on paper and pencil in some “me” time. If you’re looking to change the physical, call a nutritionist or a personal trainer. If you’re looking for some unconditional love, consider adopting a pet. Pursue a hobby you’ve been putting off or take a class you’ve had your eye on. Repeat this out loud: There really is no time like the present.
“We can create the life we want,” says Lang. “Many long to live more authentically and fully yet put it off for some future time, not realizing they can have it now.”
Though she professionally coaches clients through transitions in their lives, Lang says you can go it alone as long as you have someone to bounce ideas off of—someone who will support the changes you’re making. The road to the “delicious life,” she says, is best traveled by following your passions and recognizing the negative messages you send yourself.
“Living the fulfilling life is a radical act,” she says. “It takes courage because it calls into question who you are and who you want to be.”
Planning for the future
With all this living in the present, you could very well forget about that not-so-far-off time when kids and the boss won’t be your primary concerns. Goiters and a paucity of fiber in your system will be. But even before your hair begins to gray (or you decide to stop dyeing the gray that’s already there), there are several things you can do to get your proverbial ducks in a row.
Between now and the retirement home. Botox and plastic surgery help us deny it, but old age does come. Putting your golden years in order is just good sense. Have your house appraised and know what it’s worth in case you ever decide to sell it. This is also a good way of finding out what improvements you can make to your home to make it worth that much more. Write your will. This one seems obvious, but many people put it off, cringing at the thought of their own mortality. In the end, you’ll feel better having taken care of your loved ones, be they kids or, in the case of Oprah, cocker spaniels.
You’ll also want to do those less-pressing things you’ve been postponing till a later date. Plan a trip to a place you’ve always said you want to see before dying. Resolve the relationships from your past that gnaw at you in the middle of the night. Call up that high-school significant other you so coolly eschewed. And finally, while we’re talking about the past, get to know your own by recording your family’s oral history. Not only will you make the older people in your life happy (and possibly influence them to revise their wills, if they’ve written them), but you’re also bound to find out more about yourself in the process.
Prepare for Armageddon. You heard it here first: St. Louis Magazine is raising the terror alert. We’re always hearing about the effects of global warming and the natural chaos it will bring. Well, judging from this past year, maybe it’s time to take some of those warnings more seriously— and we’re not talking about the masking tape and gas-mask advisories of four years ago. Get together a natural-disaster preparedness plan for your house and family. The Federal Emergency Management Agency (www.fema.gov/areyouready/assemble_ disaster_supplies_kit.shtm), for those of you who still trust it, suggests assembling a kit that includes two weeks’ worth of food, water and supplies. Make sure that the food you pack does not require refrigeration, cooking, water or special preparation. Supplies should include:
- Battery-operated radio or television
- Flashlight, batteries, matches
- First-aid kit
- Sanitation and hygiene items
- Extra clothing
- Cash and coins
And in case Armageddon doesn't come ... Eventually, when life slows down and you’re living off the money you made from our investment tips, you might start asking yourself bigger questions than “Which plaid pants should I wear to my golf game today?” So says Webster University professor and philosopher extraordinaire Dave Hilditch.
“Some people are just curious,” he says. “Once they’re retired and they have leisure time, it’s like they’re returning to the childlike questioning they did as kids. They go deeper and deeper, asking why, why, why.”
Hilditch says that the questions we ask in our later years usually fall into one of four categories: “What can I know?” “How ought I to live my life?” “What can I hope for in a spiritual sense?” “What does it mean to be human?” He recommends looking at the scripts encoded by our culture and deciding for yourself what you believe. This is often accomplished, he says, by talking to someone in your life who is articulate and interested in the same kinds of questions. Venturing out of your comfort zone is another productive way to challenge yourself. “Read a book or see a movie that makes you uncomfortable,” he suggests, “or keep a journal. You have to provide yourself with materials for reflection.”
It turns out, Hilditch says, that for many, the unexamined life really isn’t worth living. So put away the camcorder you’ve been using to make that audition tape. You don’t need to exploit yourself in front of America. You just need a little motivation. If extra pocket change and a chance to find the meaning of life aren’t doing it for you, know this: The delicious life is waiting, and it’s ripe for the picking. Leave it growing too long, and it will rot. How’s that for New Age how-to?
