“You bet it’s a personal question!” a Kirkwood attorney huffed before hanging up. We had asked her to help us with this story by offering a peek at her paycheck. The knee-jerk reaction would be to forgive her for her indignation, but this jerk isn’t so quick to forgive. This is 2006—when aging rock gods trot out their dysfunctional families in TV peep shows and talk-show hosts discuss their sex lives at 10 in the morning. In this no-holds-barred, all-secrets-bared climate, what the hell is still so sacred about discussing dollars and cents?
As it turns out, that unwilling participant in our invasive little survey is not as representative of current social mores as you might think. In fact, Melenie Broyles, a local maven of manners and the founder of Etiquette St. Louis, has watched—with more than a little disappointment—the pendulum swing toward informality. “And I think we’re even a little more casual here in the Midwest,” she says. “I think a lot of people just don’t realize when they’ve crossed the line.”
And cross the line they do, Broyles says, with dressed-down attire in the workplace, discussion of family problems with casual acquaintances and failure to write thank-you notes. But talking money may be the most egregious offense of them all—particularly because it’s virtually indefensible. “Typically our need for that information is for one of two reasons,” she says. “It’s either out of greed or because we want to see if we fit in above or below someone’s particular economic class.”
Of course, asking is one thing; telling is something else entirely. For the same reason that we’re curious about our neighbor’s finances, Dr. Andy Pomerantz says, we’re cagey about revealing our own. Pomerantz, a licensed clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychology at Southern Illinois University–Edwardsville, says that we may balk at kvetching about money because, of all of the ways by which we measure self-worth, our bank account is the most easily quantified.
With such a firm basis for comparison, he says, we risk looking inferior in the eyes of our friends and associates if our finances become public knowledge. And on the flip side of this fiscal hot-button issue, the considerate friend may hold back for selfless reasons. “The comparison may make others feel awkward or slighted,” Pomerantz says. “Even if a person’s own self-image is not based on finances at all, he or she realizes that for others it may be, so, out of consideration or politeness, such comments remain unspoken.”
Consideration for others’ feelings, Broyles says, is what it all boils down to. Even if our boundaries are dissolving as fast as our sense of propriety, discussions of money should still be verboten. “Etiquette is about being comfortable,” she says. “If it’s something that makes people uncomfortable, you should avoid it.”
So with that in mind, to our friend in Kirkwood: We’re sorry.
