By Shera Dalin
You probably put some deep thought into your New Year’s resolutions right before you rolled over on the first day of the new year and hit the snooze button. The gym isn’t going anywhere, and who wants to break in those new workout clothes while all the other weight-loss wannabes pack the ellipticals sweating a river and bouncing blubber on the treadmill? So after you’ve slept off the cosmo cloud, contemplate, instead, the 2008 resolutions—at least as we see them—of some of our most illustrious and industrious stars of politics, press and pigskin.
Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt
Resolution: Stock all Capitol bathrooms with toilet paper imprinted with the Missouri open records law.
Why they should: Blunt’s administration took some well-publicized hits last year, not only for allegedly deleting email correspondence (they claimed it wasn’t included in the Sunshine Law on open records), but also for allegedly spying on a staff lawyer’s private email account after he criticized the administration for violating the Sunshine Law. Why bother dancing the denial twist when he could just have a little fun with all those annoying law-abiders?
U.S. Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.)
Resolution: Get tattoos of Hillary Clinton on one arm and Rudy Giuliani on the other.
Why they should: The Democratic senator has been dinged by left-wing groups for voting with the GOP to fund the Iraq War and kill the Dream Act, which would have repealed a 1996 immigration law that bars offering discounted tuition to young illegals. Now all those kids who grew up here can only dream of getting a college education and becoming citizens. And with the presidential election so near, she might as well hedge her bets with both front-runners.
Karen Foss, spokeswoman for AmerenUE
Resolution: Finally produce and begin hawking Dental Foss, which helps users speak out of both sides of their mouths.
Why they should: Beloved NewsChannel 5 anchor Foss retired and started shilling for AmerenUE. Her first very public project was a “special report” that the utility paid to air on KSDK. It offered the “real story” behind the disastrous failure and flooding of the Taum Sauk hydroelectric reservoir, begging the question, Will her next report be about the “real story” behind the utility’s record of reliability?
Former Vashon basketball coach Floyd Irons
Resolution: Prep for his prison stint by stocking up on Martha Stewart’s “Prison Cell Décor Collection,” available only at the finest penitentiary commissaries.
Why they should: The steal isn’t just an on-the-court play anymore. In September, Irons copped to taking kickbacks on inflated real-estate sales and was scheduled to be sentenced late last year. He faces as many as 30 years in prison and a fine as high as $1 million, so the winningest high-school b-ball coach in Missouri history will have plenty of time to ponder the look of his new digs.
St. Louis Rams
Resolution: Book a post-season trip for the entire team back to New Orleans so it can search every voodoo shop in town for its missing mojo.
Why they should: The Rams finally broke that depressing eight-game losing streak with a win over the Saints, so it might just be worth making a return trip to the Crescent City. It certainly couldn’t hurt—even though the team added a few more wins along the way, it’ll take something supernatural to erase the memory of that particularly dismal start.
