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Trends come and go—most of us semi-adopt one or two each season in the hopes of achieving what every fashion editor says should be our goal, to keep it current. But not all trends are good for everyone. For someone who makes a living selling things that are decidedly uncurrent, I am a believer that adopting new trends every year is pure tomfoolery. Some are more irritating than others. Some are simply sinful. And every last bracelet tells a little something about you. Have you really heard what your accessories are saying about you?
1. Carrying a Louis Vuitton bag while wearing sweats and a baseball cap: Hi, I don't want you to think I always look this bad but the fact is, I do (unless I'm on a date). Combined with the fact that I could only afford one truly luxe handbag, you will see me use it all the time because I have so few other choices that scream "money."
2. Wearing a jaw clamp in one's hair: I still ascribe to the ancient rule that hair must be thick and cut straight across the bottom and even when I put my hair up, I want it to look lush and full and, well, something you'd see on a model in a bridal magazine.
3. Chewed-up heels: I only buy shoes at PayLess because I'm cheap and don't realize people do look at my shoes. To top it all off, I think because shoes are made of leather, I've made a quality, lifetime investment that somehow will magically care for themselves. I have a really bad dust problem at home.
4. Forever 21 jewelry won by the over-40 set. : This is cute and nobody else really can tell the difference between real silver and this painted alloy. It looks like gold to me so it's perfect. Who needs real jewelry anyway? My mother never let me wear a feather bolero to school when I was a kid so I'm sure as hell making up for it now that she's in a nursing home.
5. Carrying a purse at your kids' carpool: Look everyone, my new bag! I could have left it in the car and locked the doors but I just had to show it off. Do you like it? OMG, your hair looks SO cute!!!!
6. Chanel sunglasses: I can't afford the 2.55 interlaced bag (Hell, I don't even know what a 2.55 is!) so I'm rocking these expensive sunglasses. There was a person named Chanel? What? Who is he? Chanel makes clothes? Can you get them at the mall?
7. Tory Burch logo ballet flats: I was in a sorority in high school and even though I'm married now, I still talk to my sisters every day on the phone. Check out my membership card to Phi Beta Ludicrous. You have them too?? Of course you do, we bought them at the same time!
8. Rhinestones on rubber flip-flops: See numbers 3 and 4.
9. Monogrammed canvas purse: Hi, I have a really, really, really good friend who has purse parties and I overpaid for the bag because I really, really, really like her and kinda felt bad for her when her husband cheated on her with her sister. So now I'm wearing it as a tribute to her and because I need to get my money out of the stupid thing.
10. Too much perfume: Nobody really likes me or thinks I'm pretty and I might smell bad. I'll take a shower with soap and then spray myself with a fire hose so nobody figures out how confused I am about what femininity really means.
Madeline Meyerowitz is the owner of enokiworld.com, a website specializing in vintage designer clothing.