FeedWise Counsel
Planning a wedding isn't easy. But there's more to preparing emotionally than you might think.
Illustration by Moira Millman
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Whether you’ve turned to the Unveiled section for advice on fashion, food, or venues, you may notice that a lot of wedding planning concerns, well, the material. Where to splurge, what to save on, how to make the most of what you’ve got—all are important considerations for any recently engaged couple.
But that information doesn’t quite satisfy the soul. Or at least, it didn’t satisfy mine.
When I got engaged this past October, it was gratifying to find that my fiancé and I were truly on the same wavelength about the practical things. Band or DJ? Not a problem. Choosing the wedding party? Barely even a question. And no, we’re not forcing anyone to wear teal or chartreuse.
But as a former psychology major, I found myself seeking data on things beyond the tangible. “What should we be doing to plan for our emotional future?” I wondered. “My fiancé and I are happy together—but are there conversations we should be having now to lay the foundation for a happy marriage?”
To find out more, I consulted a trio of local experts: a rabbi, a priest, and a therapist.
All three were in strong agreement: Premarital counseling of some sort is essential. “It’s not the same as couples counseling, where they’re coming to solve all their problems,” says Rabbi Lynn Goldstein of congregation Kol HaNeshama in West County. “Premarital counseling is for the couple about to start their lives together to strengthen their relationship and to help them forge better ways, because all couples can improve.”
In the Catholic Church, engaged couples prepare for marriage through a course such as Pre-Cana, which helps them learn more about each other and the role of marriage in the church. The Rev. Bill Kempf, director of the Catholic Newman Center at the University of Missouri–St. Louis, says he begins with the FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study) inventory, a test that helps couples discover areas of relative strength and weakness, agreement and disagreement.
“When I prepare couples, I also have them take the Myers-Briggs personality inventory,” says Kempf. “You don’t want to have personality issues make what is already difficult in what they are dealing with more difficult. You want to have them just as free as possible to be attentive to whatever life throws at them.”
Therapist Renee Gebhart administers the PREPARE/ENRICH inventory, which couples can take online, and moderates a class called H.E.A.R.T. (Heal Emotions and Resolve Relationship Troubles).
“I teach a lot of communication skills that I find most people aren’t aware of, such as learning to speak with ‘I’ versus ‘you,’” says Gebhart. “But this goes a little bit further.” She recommends that couples find ways to leave their old baggage behind: “Teaching communication skills is not going to be sufficient if both of them have past hurts, either from earlier in that same relationship or from past relationships or their family of origin.”
All three experts stressed the importance of developing a shared sense of narrative and purpose for the relationship, whether derived from religion (Kempf says 90 percent of couples who commit to shared religious practice stay together), other beliefs (such as “Divorce is not an option”), or dreams for the future.
“One of the questions I ask couples when I meet with them is, ‘What was your dream for your relationship? And do you have a dream now?’” says Gebhart. “I know for a lot of folks who are just starting out, the dream is sort of their wedding day. But what’s your dream beyond that? Have you talked about what you want your relationship to look like in five years, 10 years, 30 years? When I talk with couples about how to resolve conflicts, one of the keys is to keep them focused on what each other’s dreams are.” The point is to figure out how each fits into the other’s dreams.
