Relish

Photographs by Kevin A. Roberts

Image: St. Louis Burger—premium steakburger with Provel cheese, iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, relish and thousand island dressing on Dave's original bun

"So you have crushed ice? And please, Miss, before you answer, let us clarify. By 'crushed ice' we are referring to 'ice' which has been, let us be clear here: 'crushed.' We do not mean the sort of 'crushed ice' which is like 'sunrise services' at churches that actually begin about two hours after the sun has risen. Or 'homemade' pies where 'home' is obviously an industrial park. Or a 'half gallon' of ice cream that weighs 56 ounces by volume. We do not mean ice cubes that are diminutive. Or chopped into rough shards.  We mean crushed ice, dammit. Now that you understand our perspective on this topic, are you really, really completely sure that you indeed have 'crushed' ice?"'

Fortunately, the above conversation was entirely hypothetical because of a) our court-mandated anger management course and b) because they truly do have crushed ice at Dave & Tony's. So you're already off to a good start here and you haven't even left the soda machine.

You remember Sammy Scott's. Maybe. It was an innovative sandwich shop out on Olive, in Creve Coeur, that was open for business for about a week and a half. No idea why it failed; we thought it was pretty good. A little pricey, but... Anyway, in that same spot—strip malls abhor a vacuum—has opened a specialty burger joint, ironically run by the same gents who owned Sammy Scott's. You can guess their names.


Image: Hawaiian BBQ burger—premium steakburger with ham, grilled pineapple, caramelized onions bbq sauce and sharp cheddar spread on our pretzel bun.

Dave and Tony's Premium Burger Joint is based on the premise that life doesn't have quite enough choices already, so why just order a burger and fries when you can peruse and collate a selection of toppings, buns, sides, sauces, even meat so lengthy you have to fill out a form before you even get close to the counter? We were concerned that we didn't have at least two forms of ID with us. It's that involved. Our Early Release Petition had less paperwork to be filed.

If filling out forms is too intimidating (we were worried there was going to be some math somewhere), you can order one of the Signature Burgers here. A Gorgonzola cheese-bedecked and steakhouse sauce-slathered Steakhouse Burger, for example. The St. Louis Burger is topped with tomatoes, red onion slices, lettuce and—we're completely serious here—Provel cheese. Great idea, Provel. It's not just for ruining pizzas anymore. Oh, we're kidding. You natives adore the stuff, we know. You're like those characters in an episode of "No Reservations" that Tony manages to find huddling on rickety benches in some grubby, Third World cantina, sipping on some cheap and noxious brew that transfigures their world but which Tony, not even Tony, can choke down without doing some serious mental preparation. We don't get it. But you like it and that's fine. And here, you can have your Provel, oozing in all its industrial cleaning agent-fragrance glory, right there on your burger.

We know you, though. You'll want to step up to the plate and build your own burger creation. So pick up the order sheet and your little golf scorecard pencil and get to it. Neatness counts.

Start by checking a protein: Premium steakburger, turkey burger, grilled chicken, or chicken tenders. Then choose a bun, a homemade bun: Dave's Original, pumpernickel, rye, or pretzel. We went with the original and were pleased; it's a crusty, thick, substantial enough to hold what feels like at least a third of a pound of beef.

Once you've chosen your meat and bun, you're on the green. It's now time to move on to the short game of burger connoisseurship, the toppings. If you're thinking, "Well, lettuce and tomatoes, I guess," you're still not getting the picture. You can get those. You can also get crispy tortillas, fried wonton skins, grilled pineapple, and black olives. From hard-boiled eggs to jalapenos, baked beans to coleslaw, they've got you covered in the topping department.

Then there's the seasonings. Have you ever thought, "Decent burger, this, but boy, it'd be just perfect if only there was some apple jam smeared on it?" If so, you need help. But Dave & Tony's can accommodate you. They can also take care of your burger seasoning needs from roasted garlic aioli to pesto sauce, Thousand Island dressing to balsamic vinaigrette. We were tempted to ask if we could get some duck fat on ours--but we were kind of afraid they might actually have it.

Image: Steakhouse burger—premium steakburger with gorgonzola cheese, iceberg lettuce, onions rings, steak butter and steak sauce on a rye bun.

So after you've filled out your form, checked your work, and made sure your name is clearly visible at the top, have a seat and they'll bring out your order. Quickly. Almost too quickly. And what's it all taste like? We were impressed. The meat's juicy, obviously high-quality, and either Dave or Tony cooked it medium-rare, as we ordered, dark pink in the middle. The flavor is great, beefy and rich. There's a lot of folderol with all the toppings and seasonings and so on. But when the beef hits the griddle, this place is serious about it. A very fine burger.

Fries are those thick-cut kind, like steak frites in a good bistro, with just enough crust to hold all the soft, starchy goodness inside. The plain old fries are tasty enough; if you are in need of some extra calories, go with the seasoned version. They have a mild, herby, faintly garlicky taste; more to the point, crumbles of mozzarella are scattered over them. A little extravagant, but that's the kind of place this is.

Several salads are offered, along with milkshakes and malts. It won't be the cheapest burger joint you've ever visited. But you won't leave hungry. And in fact, if you do have room for dessert, why, just stroll less than a block down to the other side of the strip mall—that should burn off most of the calories of dinner—and treat yourself to a frozen custard at Silky's.

All this and crushed ice. Can summertime get any better?

Dave & Tony's Premium Burger Joint
Creve Coeur
12766 Olive
314-439-5100
daveandtonys.com
Lunch and dinner daily